crazy travels

Lately, I’ve been wondering if people resent the fact that when I blog it is mostly about faith things. Do they feel mislead, deceived when they come to read my blog which is supposed to, more or less, be about what it’s like to live with a mental illness ?

But when I share my story, it is impossible to separate faith from my struggles with bipolar. For me, they go hand in hand. I can’t share the truth—the whole uncensored truth—without including the very thing that, above all else, got me through some very difficult times—my faith in a loving God. 

It was during this period of my life that I clung to the truth of God’s Word like never before. Whenever I sat down to read my Bible, if I found a promise that God seemed to be whispering to my heart, I would underline that particular verse and write the date beside it. It was like I was reminding God to make good on all his promises and, I have to say, he has not disappointed. 

You see, mine is a story of redemption.  How God took the worst years of my life and created something beautiful out of them. 

Psalm 84:5-6

Happy are those who are strong in the Lord, who set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains.

Pre-diagnosis I had more than my share of days when it took all I had just to trudge through the Valley of Weeping, hoping and praying for better days to come. And the good news is, they did. 

I live in a place now where many pools of blessing have collected at my feet. I’m on the other side of the Valley of Weeping and I can testify to the fact that my whole world has changed—for the better.

I’ll leave you with a quote from my memoir, Pools of Blessing. In sharing it, I hope that it will lift your spirits no matter what you’re experiencing as you travel through your own Valley of Weeping:

“Yes, inevitably the rains come into our lives.  After all rain does bring about growth doesn’t it?  But when the rains have come and gone, the pools that quench our thirst, wash our feet, give us hope, are the very ones formed from the thing we hated most, the storms.” (taken from Pools of Blessing)

in the darkness of his hand

In the Darkness of His Hand

Spring, 1999

Today, while I was walking out of school, I saw a butterfly trapped in the building.  It was trying to escape by beating itself against a closed window.  Feeling sorry for the little guy, I decided to carry it to freedom.  As I took the butterfly in my hands, I felt pain for it.   I knew it was scared.  It couldn’t understand what I was doing.  But, once I got outside the building and let it go, it floated happily away.

Sometimes, I feel like that butterfly.  Beating myself against a closed window, I try in vain to find my way to freedom.  Then, a hand encloses me and carries me off.  Does the One who holds me in His hand feel pain for me, knowing that I don’t really understand what He’s doing; that I’m scared and confused in the darkness of His hand?  Does He feel for me even though his plan means the difference between life and death?

I’m sure that butterfly wasn’t asking for a trip outside that day.  But I also know that if I hadn’t carried it off, it would have been lying dead in the windowsill the next morning.  I also know that, were God to ask me, I would choose a different path to freedom.  

Tonight, when I went to unload my car, the exact same type of butterfly was sitting on my hood.  I just stared in silent disbelief.   In that moment I knew that it was trying to tell me something.  But whether it was saying, “Thank you,” or telling me that freedom is worth the price you pay to get to it, I don’t know.  Maybe it was saying both. 

crazy faith

Hebrews 11:1-2 (NLT)

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave his approval to people in days of old because of their faith.

If you’ve never read chapter eleven in the book of Hebrews, I highly recommend it—especially if you’re running short on faith.

Merriam Webster’s Dictionary describes faith like this:

¹faith

noun \ˈfāth\

: strong belief or trust in someone or something.

I think most of us would agree that there are times when we are running low on faith. I’ve been there. Sometimes, in a hard situation the last thing I want to do is believe. 

How do you have faith when you’re walking through a furnace of fiery trials? Whether it’s losing your job, or running short on money, or being betrayed by a friend, faith is no easy thing. And maybe what makes things even more difficult is the feeling that God has let us down.

I sometimes wonder why God is so interested in faith; why He values it so much. Maybe it’s because faith is a hot commodity, and not always easy to come by. 

My favorite bible story about faith is found in Matthew Chapter Fifteen when a Gentile woman asks Jesus to heal her daughter. When she begs for help, Jesus doesn’t respond with the love and compassion we would expect. No, He ignores her. 

But this woman is not so easily deterred. In fact she begins pleading in earnest. So much so that the disciples ask Jesus to send her away. They’re very annoyed by all of her begging. 

Jesus’ response to the woman’s cry for help seems rather harsh, “I was sent only to help the people of Israel—God’s lost sheep—not the Gentiles.”

This tenacious woman does not give up. She throws herself at his feet and pleads again, “Lord, help me!” 

Once again, Jesus speaks to her, but rather than the merciful words we would expect, He uses rather severe language. In fact, He compares her to a dog, saying, “It isn’t right to take food from the children and throw it to the dogs.” 

Really? He’s calling her a dog? What the heck. But maybe there’s more to this story than meets the eye. Because in response to being called a dog, she replies, “Yes, Lord, but even dogs are permitted to eat crumbs that fall beneath their master’s table.”

And that’s when the truth is revealed. It turns out that Jesus wasn’t being rude, disrespectful, impolite or unmerciful. He was testing her—testing her heart to see what kind of mettle it was made of. 

In fact, Jesus seems pleased with her responses to his rebuffs, and says, “Woman your faith is great. Your request is granted.”

So why the delay in healing her daughter? Why the harsh words? It’s simple. Jesus was giving her the opportunity to show just how strong her faith was.

Are you starting to lose heart, lose faith, give up? Don’t. It might seem that Jesus is passing you by, ignoring your cries for help. But remember this. If Jesus seems to be turning his back on you, He may just be giving you the opportunity of a lifetime, too. The chance to let your faith shine for all the world to see.