crazy side effects

I’m interrupting this broadcast – the big three, part 2 – for a very important announcement. For the first time in years, I have been dealing with a horrible bout of depression. It feels awful. Miserable. Oppressive. Just as I remember feeling, only it seems ten times worse. I have been doing well for so long that it has become easy to forget how miserable depression is. In fact, recently I’d begun to think that maybe things pre-diagnosis weren’t so bad. Maybe I could get by with less medication, or even take one out of the regimen all together. That’s before the depression hit like a punch in the gut.

I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was rather hopeful that it wouldn’t. Two weeks ago, I went to see my psychiatrist. I know that admitting that I have a psychiatrist puts me on the crazy list, but craziness, after all, is what this blog is all about. My psychiatrist is someone I truly respect and admire. So naturally, when I was having some scary side effects, I went to see him.

The problematic side effects I’d been having were quite troubling. I was having problems with my memory - going to a room and forgetting why I was there or having a conversation and forgetting what I was going to say. At best it was annoying. At worst it was embarrassing. When I explained these problems to my psychiatrist, he mentioned that it would be worthwhile to cut back on one of the meds that I’ve been taking for several years.

With hope, I lowered the dosage of this med and for a full week it seemed that everything would be fine. Then several days ago, out of nowhere, it hit. Depression. Severe Depression. Ouch. I’d been doing so well for so long I’d almost forgotten how it felt. Despite the fact that it would continue to cause those memory lapses, I knew in my heart that I was going to have to go back up on the med. I would rather deal with memory problems than the depression that can set in if I’m not on the right dosages of the proper meds.

One thing this experience did make me think about was how I questioned whether I really needed medication at all. I wonder how many others who take medication for some form of mental illness have felt this way at one point or another. The, oh I’m doing so well, surely I can go off these meds and I’ll be just fine feeling. Newsflash. The reason you’re feeling fine now is because you are on the right meds and the right dosages. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that getting off the meds is the answer to your problems. In my experience, getting of the meds can be your demise.

I would give anything to be medication free - to not have to deal with unpleasant side-effects like memory loss. But I truly feel in my heart and know in my head that meds – the right ones- have made my life as wonderful as I could have hoped for. Don’t go off your meds. Don’t lie to yourself and think you’re strong enough to handle your mental illness without that aid. When I was finally diagnosed, I made a promise to my husband that I would never go off my medications. I’ve kept that promise and it has made my life better for it.

This past episode reminded me how vital it is to be on the right meds and the right dosages. If you’re dealing with a mental illness and you’re not getting the relief you need, go to a doctor. Be your own best advocate. Do what it takes to be happy and healthy. I’m living proof that life on meds, the right ones, can and will make all the difference in the world.