what's the point?

I’ve never understood the purpose of suffering. The age old question; how can a good God allow such suffering to go on in this world. Those doubts have filled my mind and heart at times, too.

Especially when I feel sick. It’s those times that I feel truly abandoned. It’s like God has left town and is never coming back. And I find myself walking in this spiritual dessert, wondering where the heck he is. 

‘God are you up there? Then, why aren’t you making me better? I hate being sick, please take this pain away.’

In fact, today I shed a few tears thinking about some of the hard things that have come my way. It just doesn’t seem fair. 

There was one particular moment in my life when my faith was sorely tested; a moment when I was ready to be done with God for good. 

This particular excerpt from, Pools, explains why this experience was a huge turning point in my life. It describes what happened the day after I’d gone psychotic—a day when it felt as though my world was crumbling all around me and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it. 

I remember the visitors who came to see me – my husband, my mom, my aunt.  I was really embarrassed at this point, because I was beginning to come back to reality.  Bits and pieces of what had happened Sunday night (the night I was hospitalized) began to take shape in my mind.  I definitely knew that I was in a bad place, because I had done a very bad thing.  

There were a handful of people in the Crisis Center with me.  I really don’t recall having too much contact with anyone, but I do remember two people in particular.  They were both older men who seemed to be as confused as I was.   

One of the guys pulled out a Bible and started talking to me about the “code”.  He opened the page to a reference about numbers.  At that point I could have continued to sink deeper and deeper into my psychotic state.  But for some reason, in that moment, I made a conscious decision to ignore him.  I think it was God’s Spirit pointing the way out of the state I was in.  

The other guy, a dear man, had an obvious connection with God.  He didn’t talk about any codes, he just sang hymns, and talked to me a little bit about his faith. 

 At this point, my faith was being sorely tested, because now I was beginning to realize that all of the delusions I was having about God, faith, religion, were just that, delusions.   

There was a part of me, maybe most of me, that was ready to give up on faith all together.  How could God allow this horrible thing to happen to me?  How could he use religion, my faith, against me?  So when I was leaving I asked this guy whose name I don’t even know, but whose face I will never forget, to sing “Rock of Ages,” for me. 

        Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

        let me hide myself in thee;

        let the water and the blood,

        from thy wounded side which flowed,

        be of sin the double cure;

        save from wrath and make me pure. 

There were tears streaming down my face as I left the Crisis Center that day.  The words from “Rock of Ages” followed me down that long corridor leading me to a future that was so uncertain, so scary because I had no idea what it held for me.  

From that point on I made the decision to keep putting my faith in God, to keep trusting him, believing that even through this, he was going to be my “rock.”   As I began to get better, I clung to the words from that hymn.  “Rock of Ages cleft for me.  Let me hide myself in Thee.” 

A Mockingbird

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, and I know that full well. 

I’m pretty good at bird calls.  I make a mean goose call, and you should hear my whippoorwill song.  I can screech with the best of the hawks, and my owl hoot?  Well, don’t even get me started.   Confession time -  everything I’ve written up to this point has not exactly been true.  Oh, who am I kidding, it’s all a lie.  But, I’m trying to make a point here, so stick with me for a few moments. 

When I say I’m good at bird calls, I’m really not.  But, what I am good at is imitating people.  No, I’m not talking about the Saturday Night Live type of caricatures, but another kind that’s not so healthy.  Let me start with an example.  In high school, I sang in both the choir and show choir for three years.  My second year I was voted most valuable junior.  This was all great, but there was something going on that wasn’t so great.  The problem?  I could make my voice sound like anyone else’s.  When I’d sing, I’d pick a voice around me and sing in just that way; same tone, pitch, timing etc.  I was so busy trying to copy someone else’s voice that I never figured out what my own was.   

Lately, I’ve realized that I’m good at emulating others - especially people I admire.  If so and so thinks that flying kites in the rain is a good idea, than so do I.  Even if it’s really not.  What’s so bad about copying other people, you might think, especially if their ideas and ideals are basically good ones?  While I don’t think it’s bad to want to pattern myself after someone, I still can’t help wondering one important truth;  if I’m so busy trying to become something I’m not, then I’m not really becoming the someone I am meant to be. 

 God’s been teaching me that sometimes I just need to stand on my own two feet - to figure out what I believe.  I’m not saying that I can’t learn from others, but what I am saying is this; God made me one-of-a-kind unique.  There’s no one else like me in the whole wide world – the snowflake effect.  So why do I try so hard to be someone or something that I’m not?   

Maybe it’s because of envy.  So and so seems so much smarter, important, educated, wise.  I’m just, well, little old me.  To be honest, I don’t really think that’s my issue though.  My problem stems more from a feeling of inferiority. I don’t think I can do it.  My opinions aren’t good enough.  My thoughts, my ideas, my feelings aren’t worthy enough.  I have to admit I’m a pretty simple person.  I don’t concern myself with things that are too great for me to understand.  In fact, sometimes I feel a little too simple.  Whenever I start to feel this way God reminds me of one very important truth. I’m not meant to be anyone else.    

How about you, you one-of-a-kind snowflake?  Do you believe that you are fearfully and wonderfully made?  If you don’t, you might want to reevaluate.  Chances are you’re not appreciating the beautiful person that God has made you to be.  So do yourself a favor.  Figure out what your opinions, your ideals, your thoughts are.  Learn from others, but don’t blindly imitate them.  Be yourself, and let the voice you speak to the world be your own. 

Step by Step

Well, what should I write about today?  Jack had his tonsils out last Thursday so he and I have been out of commission for a week. Feels good to sit back in my chair and let my thoughts flow onto paper, or, in this case, screen. Anyway, here goes. 

Been thinking about my future - what will happen when I finally head back to "work" and by work I mean the kind where you actually leave your house, do your job, and get paid. I've done work these past seven years, without pay or sick leave, mind you, but I have to admit it's been kind of fun. Being master of my own domain, setting my own schedule, taking coffee breaks with friends. Yea, it hasn't been all bad.

So what do I do now? After six years of being a stay-at-home mom, I feel kind of out of the groove. Should I go back and teach, or work part time, or get an "easy gig" where I can put in my hours at work and not have the bother of bringing more home.

Sometimes I feel sorry for my hubby. I know he wouldn't want me to, but he goes through a lot of stress at his job. I have stress but it's a different kind. I don't have anybody but myself to answer to.  I don't have anyone breathing down my neck to get this or that done. I don't have to worry about if I'm doing this right or that wrong. Well I take that back, I worry a lot about whether I'm doing a good job raising my kids, but those are manageable worries. I can control even those thoughts. 

I know that one of the reasons that I am so stable and relatively anxiety free have, in part, been due to the fact that I don't have a job outside the home.  Like I've already said, I am master of my own domain. I can do what I want, when I want, and how I want to do it.

 When I go back to work will I be able to handle the stress, or will anxiety once again be breathing down my neck paralyzing me with its constant nagging. So what do I want to do when I grow up? If you told me I could write and get paid for it I'd be all about that. I love to write. Love, Love, Love it! At this point I'm leaving that in God's hands praying and knowing that he'll guide me to the place or places I need to be.

 Hope you feel guided in your life, too.  Do you every feel a little bit disgusted that God doesn't give us a road map to point out the way - where we should be going and how we're going to get there.  I know I could use a big neon sign that told me exactly what to do.  But that's not the way life works is it? Because, after all, we're supposed to be living by faith; the faith that is sure of what it hopes for and certain of what it does not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

 Abraham lived with this kind of faith. So did all of our Christian ancestors. Nobody got to see what was in store for them. You and I are in good company. Living by faith is hard, but I do believe it will be worth it when we enter into heaven. Then, all our questions will be answered and we'll find out that we were being led in the right direction all along. So take heart, we're being guided by a Master who takes us step by step as we follow his lead. I'll finish with one of my favorite quotes - a quote that reminds me to take life one step at a time.



Lead, kindly light . . keep thou my feet ; I do not ask to see the distant scene one step enough for me. (John Henry Newman)

From a distance . . .

The Spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners . . . Isaiah 61:1  (NIV)

So Mom is in a pretty bad place right now.  She's struggling, she's suffering, she's ready to be done with life - at least this life.  And it is so hard to watch her go through all of this.  My prayers lately have been that God would take her quickly because I hate that she's hurting so much. 

Today, as I was pondering these things, I came across the above verse.  And I wondered to myself - Mom is brokenhearted, she is held captive by her sickness, she resides in a prison of pain, so what about her - why haven't any of these promises been fulfilled in her life?   And I found my faith  inclining towards doubt.  I don't "see"  God binding up my mother's broken heart, freeing her from captivity, or releasing her from darkness.

Why God, why becomes the prayer of my heart.  I don't understand this and I just want it to stop - for her, for myself, for my family.  But in the midst of all this pain, I remember something that Jesus once said.  It's a kind of rallying cry for all of his saints.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.  (John 16:33 NIV)

A big promise from a Man who knew struggle and suffering like no one else - who gave up his very life to bring an end to all of our struggles.  But not yet . . . and that's the hard part isn't it.  Waiting in faith to "see" this promise of captives being freed , prisoners being released, broken hearts being bound up.  Yes, it all comes down to faith. 

One of my favorite chapters of the Bible that addresses the faith that we must live by for now, the faith that helps us to "see" and believe what seems impossible is found in the book of Hebrews. 

 All these faithful ones died without receiving what God had promised them, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed the promises of God.  (Hebrews 11:13 NIV)

Our ancestors of faith didn't see the fulfillment of these promises while they walked upon this earth.  They struggled. They suffered.  They hurt.  But, they kept the faith, and today, we are called upon to do the same.  Believe in what we can't see, believe that the impossible is possible for our God.  Believe that God truly loves us, truly has our best interests at heart - even when it all seems like a fraud. 

I like to call it seeing with the "eyes" of faith.   The faith that is sure of what it hopes for, certain of what it doesn't  see.  Life is a struggle, there's no question about it.  But in the midst of our struggles let us keep our eyes of faith wide open.  And when everything around is obscured by darkness, let us look to the Light of the World and press on to keep the faith. 

a thorn in the flesh; part two

Feel like I'm in a fog today.  Wanting to write something really inspirational, but having no idea what that might be.  I published another post today entitled "a thorn in the flesh."  We all have them, don't we?  Something in our lives that we desperately want to be free of.  What yours is, only you might know.  A thorn in the flesh, to me, is anything that keeps us from being the ideal person we'd like to be.  It leaves me wondering: why are they necessary?

2 Corinthians 12:7  To keep me from becoming conceited  . . . there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Well that stinks, doesn't it?   No one wants to be weak.  No one wants a thorn sticking out of their side.  So what's the deal? 

I really consider my thorn to be bipolar and I would have to say, were it not for this illness, I would probably not  rely on God as much as I do.  In fact, without it, my faith may not have been important to me at all.  But I know that, as a direct result of my illness, I have sought God out like nothing else.   Were it not for this weakness, I may not have sought  him out at all.

Whatever your thorn in the flesh is, I hope you are encouraged to realize that it could be the very thing that "saves you" from self-reliance;  from the lie that says we can be be strong enough to handle our own problems.  It  may be the very thing that causes you to reach out and cry, "God, why are you doing this to me?"  And maybe, just maybe, we'll hear his answer as Paul did, "My grace is sufficient for you."  And we'll find that it really is true.