Meet me in St. Louis; Part I

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. Isaiah 64:4

This past week was an interesting one. Nothing worked out the way I’d planned, not one thing.  But, you know what? It turned out even better - better than I would have expected or imagined. But to get to the place I was going I had to learn to take an overwhelming situation one step at a time.

Monday found me packing to go to a faith and writing workshop at Concordia in Seward, NE. I have to admit I was pretty excited. Getting away for a few days to be something besides mommy sounded wonderful. Not only that, but I would have the opportunity to work on a craft that brings me so much pleasure – writing.  

Late afternoon I headed to my office and began to pack up my computer as well as the packet of information describing details of the workshop; the schedule, location, living accomodations, etc. As I was looking at a map of the campus my eyes strayed to the top line of the paper.  That’s when I noticed it.  A big noticed it – a notice that made my heart stop beating. Have I mentioned that the workshop was to take place at Concordia in Seward? It turns out I was wrong. The conference wasn’t in Seward, Ne. It was at Concorida all right, but not the one I was thinking of. Nope, this class was in St. Louis, on Corcordia’s Seminary campus. You may wonder how I could have missed that tiny little detail. Your guess is as good as mine, but I kinda wonder if all along this was a God thing.  You see, if I would have known when I registered for the class that it would be in St. Louis, I wouldn’t have signed up. Now it was too late. I’d already paid for the class.

Shaking my head, I stared at the page, hoping against hope that what I’d just read was wrong. In a panicked state I called my husband. “Well, Hon,” I started out, “I guess I’m not going to this workshop after all. “Why?” he seemed confused, “What happened?” “Oh, just one minor detail,” I responded, “The conference isn’t in Seward. It’s in St. Louis.”  His response was almost immediate, “Well, let’s see what flight we can get you on.” ‘What? Are you kidding me,’ I thought. But my husband persisted. He promised to look up flights and encouraged me to do the same. We hung up, did some research, and found a direct flight from Omaha to St. Louis. It would get me to the workshop a little late, but better late than never, right? Right.

I’ll admit that there was a BIG part of me that did not want to do this - fly on an airplane to a city I’d never visited. Here I was a stay-at-home-mom who hadn’t traveled by myself in years. Now I was being challenged to step out of my comfort zone, and I didn’t like it – not one bit. At that moment I decided something very important. The only way I was going to make this trip would be to take it one step at a time; beginning with the step of packing my suitcase.

My husband got me through step two - driving me to the airport where I hugged and kissed my family good-bye. Then gathering up my luggage, I took a deep breath and walked into the airport ready to face the next step. ‘St Louis here I come,’ I thought, ‘Ready or not.’

The Biggest Lie of All

Ephesians 1:4-5 Long ago, even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave him great pleasure.

Want to know what the biggest lie in the world is? God doesn’t love us. Not really. Not at all. He’s mostly just out to get us. Like when we misbehave, he’s there with a really big club ready to knock us over the head because we’re all such simple, little, slimy sinners. Is this a lie you’ve believed? Maybe it’s time to stop believing the lies and start thinking about the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Ephesians is a great book in the Bible. It just is because it’s filled with so much gospel and grace and redemption. My favorite part of this book is found in the 1^st chapter, Paul’s Prayer for Spiritual Wisdom.  It’s kind of a long prayer so I’ll just share some highlights. 

I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future he has promised to those he called. vs18

What does God really want us to know? How much he loves us. 

Ephesians 3:17 And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him.  May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love.  And may you have power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great your will never fully understand it. 

Why is it so easy to skim over these beautiful words of truth? Because we tend to believe the lies of the devil rather than the truths of God. Think Adam and Eve here – you know the ones who weren’t supposed to eat from that one tree. They believed the lie - the lie that God didn’t really love them or he would have given them this forbidden fruit.  As their descendants we don’t do much better.

Ask most people what they think God is all about and I bet you that many will say something negative. But look again at that verse above. Paul prayed for these Ephesians that they would experience Christ’s love, a love that is too great to ever fully understand.

So what does God want us to know? To really know – that he loves us, unconditionally, unwaveringly, unabashedly. His love isn’t lukewarm. It isn’t here today and gone tomorrow. No, it’s the kind of love you and I will search for our whole lives. And if we try to find it anywhere but in him we will completely miss out on the best kind of love that anyone could give – eternal love.

those crazy grudges

Hello to all!  I had my 20^th high school reunion this past week.  It was fun and also eye-opening in one important way. But I’ll save that for later.

Have you ever had an internal “fight” with someone?   What I mean is this.  Have you ever been mad at someone or thought someone was mad at you, and in that state of bitterness, anger, or unforgiveness done the one thing you ought not to have done – avoided talking to them.  Confrontation, yup that good old word confrontation.  You may hate the idea, but consider the alternative - living a lifetime without ever clearing up the situation.  Sounds silly I know, but I have a confession to make.  I let twenty years pass holding a grudge against someone - someone I thought I’d forgiven.  Mind you, I consider myself a fairly forgiving person.  In this situation, however, I was anything but.

So here’s what happened.  My junior year of high school I invited a guy in my class to go to our fall formal.  (It was the kind of dance when girls asked out the guys).  I didn’t really know this person very well, but two of my closest friends and I decided to ask three guys who were themselves good friends.  That way we could all have fun together.  Anyway, the guy I asked wasn’t necessarily a friend, more like an acquaintance.  But I asked anyway in accordance with our plan. 

When this particular guy came to pick me up, I was mildly uncomfortable – we just didn’t know each other very well. As we stood barely touching for the pictures my parents took, my face blushed the faintest red.  This was embarrassing. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning of my discomfiture.  Let’s just say picture time turned out to be the highlight of the night.  After that, things went downhill considerably.

 My date and I spent most of the evening barely glancing at each other, let alone talking. The night seemed to drag on and on, and the ending was anything but happy.  You see, I got ditched.  Don’t exactly remember the details.  But somewhere in between the time the official dance ended and the unofficial partying began, the guy split.  Leaving me alone and feeling completely mortified. 

Flash forward

It’s nineteen years later and as I add old high school acquaintances as friends on facebook, I notice that this guy, the one who ditched me, is also on facebook.  Do I friend him, no?  Do I continue to hold a grudge against him, yes.  After all, he left me – how dare he.  When this could have been an opportunity to make things right, I simply let my bitter feelings simmer just a bit more.  Yes, you got it, after twenty years I still felt  resentment against him. No way I was going to friend him after what he did to me. 

Flash forward a year later – My twentieth high school reunion. 

I’m preparing to meet old friends, rivals, even enemies and which “enemy” seems to float across the screen of my brain the most – “James” - the guy who left me.  The moment I saw him I thought, “Good.  Now he’ll see what a great person I turned out to be, and he’ll be embarrassed.”  The funny thing is, that weekend I found out the true story, the real story straight from the horse’s, or in this case James’ mouth.  The reason, the real reason he left me that night?  He thought we were related. Yup, you heard it right – he thought we were related.  Sheds a whole new light on the story doesn’t it? 

Want to hear some more surprising details.  How, you might be thinking, did I figure this out?  Because the night of the reunion he told not only one good friend of mine, but another as well about what had happened that night.  The whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Not only that, but he told them how badly he felt about the whole thing.  After twenty years, he still remembered it.  He still felt badly about it.  He didn’t ditch me because I was a loser or looked horrendous in my dress.  He ditched me because he thought we were related.  Case closed.

Want to know how I felt after I’d learned the “rest of the story”.  Embarrassed and relieved all at the same time.  Mostly embarrassed.  How in the world could I have let things get out of hand like this?  And really, it all boils down to just one problem.  I never asked.  I think if I had, neither of us would have carried this regret around with us for all these years.

So the moral of this story is ask, just ask.  If you think someone’s angry with you, or you harbor a grudge against them, talk to them.  It’s so much easier than carrying around a load of guilt or a bitter heart for twenty years - or what could turn out to potentially be a lifetime. 

Want to know how I know all of this?  Because I’ve started to do something I didn’t have the guts to do in high school, I ask.  Whether I think someone’s upset with me or feel wronged by someone – I ask.  I talk.  I confront.  And you want to know the funniest part?  It works.  Nine times out of ten it’s a miscommunication, or a down-right lie that I’ve believed.  Talking to them is like opening a curtain in a dark and dusty room.  The moment the light shines in, the truth is revealed, and all the lies scatter like dust.  So, if you are harboring a grudge or a load of guilt – talk to that person.  I promise you it works, it really does. 

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled  to your brother; then come and offer your gift. 

that crazy memory

Ecclesiastes 12:1a Remember your Creator in the days of your youth. 

I don’t know about you but I have a terrible memory.  The kind where I go to tell someone something, but mid-sentence I forget what it is that I was going to say. Or I go upstairs for something, and by the time I’ve reached the second floor, I’m completely clueless about why I climbed those stairs.  So frustrating! I chalk it up to being the busy mom of two kids.  At least that sounds like a good excuse.

I don’t think I’m the only one who struggles with short term memory or long term memory loss for that matter.  Apparently, we as humans have very short-lived memories.   There are several places in the Bible where God tells us to remember things – important things.  The above verse that I started out with is probably one of my favorites when it comes to the reminder to recall all that God has done for us. 

The verse comes from Ecclesiastes a book that was written by one of the greatest men who ever lived – King Solomon.  Remember that guy?  He was the one who asked for wisdom when God promised to grant him any request.  God was so pleased with his request that he made a special promise to Solomon. 

“Since you asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked.  I will give you a wise and discerning heart so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be.  Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for – both riches and honor – so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings.” 

Guess what?  God kept his promise.  In time Solomon became so famous that even the queen of Sheba came to visit him. (1 Kings 10:1)  God was faithful to his word.  See, it’s not God who has trouble remembering.  No, God isn’t the forgetful one.  We are.  Even Solomon had a poor memory.  At the height of his glory, Solomon had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines.  Many of them worshipped foreign gods.  God had warned the Israelites about this – that if they intermarried with other nations, their hearts would surely turn away from Him.  And in Solomon’s case that’s exactly what happened. 

1 Kings 11:4  As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God as the heart of David his father had been.

Even the wisest man who ever lived forgot to remember.  Throughout the Bible there are examples of man’s forgetful nature.  And in my own life, I’ve found one thing to be very true, it’s when things are going fine that it’s easiest to forget about God.

Psalm 1:45 Though your riches increase do not set your heart on them. 

When I was going through some rough times, I believed that better times were coming, I just didn’t know when they would come.  But before I even got there, God planted this truth in my heart.  It was like he was telling me, times will get better, but don’t forget about me.  I don’t know about you but it’s much easier to forget about God when things are going well.  When life is tough and rough and down-right dirty, those are the times when I cling to him like crazy. 

But what about now, now that things are better for me.  I have to admit it takes more discipline to pray and read scripture.  See, I don’t really feel like I need God when things are going well.  Life is smooth, easy, not a cloud in the sky.  That’s why God told me – “Though your riches increase do not set your heart on them.”

I’ll close with one last thought, one last story from the Bible.  It’s about those Israelites, those dog-gone Israelites. Theirs is another great example of how easy it is to forget about God.  He’d led the Israelites out of the desert and into the Promised Land.  Keeping his vow to give them this land “flowing with milk and honey”, God went before them and routed out their enemies. He didn’t forget.  Unfortunately, for the Israelites, they did. Yup, they failed to recall all that God had done for them.  He’d led them through the Dead Sea, pummeled the Egyptians who were chasing them, given them manna from heaven and water from the most unlikely places but still they forgot.  God remembered just like he always does.  They forgot just like they always did.  Much like we do today.

So learn a lesson from those dog-gone Israelites, and from the wisdom of Solomon’s pen.  Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, because I’ll guarantee he hasn’t forgotten you. 

Goodness Again

 . . . it is very well worthwhile to be tormented for two or three years of one’s life, for the sake of being able to read all the rest of it. ~ Jane Austen

1.   Tormented past participle, past tense of tor·ment (Verb)

Verb:

1.   Cause to experience severe mental or physical suffering: "he was tormented by jealousy".

Have you ever felt this way?  Tormented.  I think it’s safe to say that in the human experience, we all have felt this distressed at one time or another.  I know I have - especially in terms of my mental illness.  Life was pretty miserable for me before I was diagnosed.  On bad days it was all I could do just to swing my legs out of bed, place them on the floor, and drag myself into the day.  No, I sure didn’t wake up feeling like sunshine and hop to my feet eager to face the day.  Those were my bad days.  On my really bad days, suicide was constantly at the back of my mind.  I contemplated it, and the only thing that kept me moving was the knowledge that God didn’t mean for my story to end like that – he had a better ending planned.

I don’t know about anyone else, but while I struggled through those dark days, one book of the Bible was a vast source of hope, comfort, and refuge - the book of Psalms.  I especially loved the ones penned by the shepherd-king, David.  Many, many of his psalms were ones of anguish, confusion, and suffering.  I could relate to those things.  The fact that he was mentioned as a man after God’s own heart gave me comfort too.  Just because he was named as such didn’t mean he was afraid to ask the bigger questions of God – why this suffering, this pain, why was this his lot to bear?  If David who was a man after God’s own heart could ask tough questions, so could I.  God wasn’t going to abandon me or turn away from me. 

In fact running away from him and hiding was exactly the opposite of what I believe God wanted me to do.  I got the feeling that God would rather I pound him with my fists than run away and hide.   And that’s exactly what David did.  If you know the history of this king, you know that his life was anything but easy.  So when it came to asking the tough questions of God, he didn’t hold back.  In psalm after psalm, David exposed his pain out of a heart filled with anguish.  One of my favorite psalms written by him is Psalm 27.  I could write the entire thing it’s so good, but instead I’ll just share two key verses. 

Psalm 27: 13-14  I am . . . confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

And that’s exactly what I did.  I waited for the Lord, expecting an answer, anticipating an end to the suffering – waiting for his goodness to rain down on me as welcome as a spring shower falling on a dry and parched land.  So many years later I am happy to report that welcome rain has fallen on my life.  I’m on good meds. I have a faithful and loving husband who has stuck with me through the ups and downs of living with bipolar.  I have two beautiful children.  Most importantly, I have a faithful, loving God who has brought much goodness into my life. 

If you’re feeling hopeless, if you don’t think you can make it through one more day, hold on.  Don’t give up.  Don’t give in.  Believe.  Just believe.  Jane Austen had it right.  Being tormented for a brief time is worth all the pain you endure, because you are able to “read the rest of life” in many unexpected ways.  Or as a good track coach once said to me, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  They both had it right.  Most of all, King David had it right.  You will see the goodness of the Lord again.  And when you need to pound your fists on God, do it.  Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions.  I’m pretty sure he’s big enough to handle them. 

A Mockingbird

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, and I know that full well. 

I’m pretty good at bird calls.  I make a mean goose call, and you should hear my whippoorwill song.  I can screech with the best of the hawks, and my owl hoot?  Well, don’t even get me started.   Confession time -  everything I’ve written up to this point has not exactly been true.  Oh, who am I kidding, it’s all a lie.  But, I’m trying to make a point here, so stick with me for a few moments. 

When I say I’m good at bird calls, I’m really not.  But, what I am good at is imitating people.  No, I’m not talking about the Saturday Night Live type of caricatures, but another kind that’s not so healthy.  Let me start with an example.  In high school, I sang in both the choir and show choir for three years.  My second year I was voted most valuable junior.  This was all great, but there was something going on that wasn’t so great.  The problem?  I could make my voice sound like anyone else’s.  When I’d sing, I’d pick a voice around me and sing in just that way; same tone, pitch, timing etc.  I was so busy trying to copy someone else’s voice that I never figured out what my own was.   

Lately, I’ve realized that I’m good at emulating others - especially people I admire.  If so and so thinks that flying kites in the rain is a good idea, than so do I.  Even if it’s really not.  What’s so bad about copying other people, you might think, especially if their ideas and ideals are basically good ones?  While I don’t think it’s bad to want to pattern myself after someone, I still can’t help wondering one important truth;  if I’m so busy trying to become something I’m not, then I’m not really becoming the someone I am meant to be. 

 God’s been teaching me that sometimes I just need to stand on my own two feet - to figure out what I believe.  I’m not saying that I can’t learn from others, but what I am saying is this; God made me one-of-a-kind unique.  There’s no one else like me in the whole wide world – the snowflake effect.  So why do I try so hard to be someone or something that I’m not?   

Maybe it’s because of envy.  So and so seems so much smarter, important, educated, wise.  I’m just, well, little old me.  To be honest, I don’t really think that’s my issue though.  My problem stems more from a feeling of inferiority. I don’t think I can do it.  My opinions aren’t good enough.  My thoughts, my ideas, my feelings aren’t worthy enough.  I have to admit I’m a pretty simple person.  I don’t concern myself with things that are too great for me to understand.  In fact, sometimes I feel a little too simple.  Whenever I start to feel this way God reminds me of one very important truth. I’m not meant to be anyone else.    

How about you, you one-of-a-kind snowflake?  Do you believe that you are fearfully and wonderfully made?  If you don’t, you might want to reevaluate.  Chances are you’re not appreciating the beautiful person that God has made you to be.  So do yourself a favor.  Figure out what your opinions, your ideals, your thoughts are.  Learn from others, but don’t blindly imitate them.  Be yourself, and let the voice you speak to the world be your own. 

who you really are

You wanna know what amuses me? How people can be so nice to one another in person, i.e. saying hello or asking how someone's day has been. Polite, you know the "we can paste a smile on our face and pretend like we are best friends with every other being on the planet" polite. But think about what happens when we get inside of our cars, our armored tanks so to speak. We're inaccessible and safe, safe to be are real selves. We're isolated from all other drivers, and it's like we become different people. Like because of our tinted windows or inaccessibility we become not best buds with our fellow drivers, but rather adversaries. We get annoyed with the "grandma or grandpa" Sunday drivers. You know the kind that drive exasperatingly slow, those who actually have the nerve to drive below the speed limit, as if they were riding in a buggy just taking in the sights all around them. My usual response? "All right, Grandpa, move a little faster."

Or how about those jerks who cut us off nearly causing us to have a heart attack. Yea, I've definitely got it in for them. Ooooh here's a good one – a driver who tailgates you just because you're doing the speed limit. This one is near and dear to me because I like to drive the speed limit most times. And I have to say that for my part I become very smug when someone passes me just to have to stop at the next light, where I proceed to pull up next to them in a matter of moments. "So in the end what did it really gain them?" I think self-righteously.

Road rage! Now there's a cheery term. Ever been the victim of it? Not a pleasant experience at all. Let me give you an example. A few weeks ago my husband and I were driving down the interstate. The left lane was under construction so that we weren't able to move over for the car that was trying to merge on next to us. Expecting the other driver to yield, my husband was forced to slam on the brakes when the driver nearly side-swiped us. Last time I checked drivers merging on to the interstate are supposed to yield. Yes, that's right, yield. Well, apparently this driver didn't know that law, so my husband gave them a shout-out – he honked his horn. The lovely person on the passenger side proceeded to roll down his window and give us "the finger".

Okay, so it's not exactly road rage, but think about what might have happened if this had been a face to face encounter? If someone cut in front of us and we had to "yield" to them, we would never give them the finger. An irritated glance maybe, but, more likely if they'd realized what they'd done and apologized, we'd say politely back, "No problem." Would that same courtesy have worked if we were secluded in our cars? Nope. You don't have to be nice to someone you can't see person to person. They're just a nameless face, not even really that, a car – whether one that cuts us off, gives us the finger, or tailgates us, they're all just cars, not the people we pretend to love and adore. Jesus once told us to love our neighbors, even the ones that are difficult. So, the next time you're in your car and are cut off, or tailgated, or whatever other rude things we do to people on the road, think about how you would handle it if you knew who that person in the car was. Better yet, think about how you would handle it if you were dealing with them face-to-face. Oh, and when you read the verse below try inserting the word, "car" for enemy and "tick you off" for persecute. Because behind every armored vehicle on the road, there's actually a person we're supposed to be loving.

You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemies'. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:43)