Meet Me in St. Louis - Part Three

Ready for Part Three? After all, the best stories always come in threes, don’t they? Part One of this silly story was about my discovery that the writing workshop I was attending was in St. Louis and not Seward, NE. Part Two was about what I experienced on my flight to St. Louis. So without further ado, the much anticipated Part Three of Meet Me in St. Louis.

Ever since my adventures in St. Louis, I’ve realized something about myself. I am a worrier. Well, actually I’ve always realized this, but it became even more clear once I’d returned home from my travels. You see, while I was in St. Louis it was a step-by-step thing. I was already so overwhelmed by being there in the first place that I had to take it one moment at a time.

From the beginning of this crazy adventure, I leaned on God like I hadn’t for a long time. When I was still a swinging single, I was used to doing things on my own. I was much more independent with a “ready for anything” kind of attitude. That’s the way it was because that’s the way it had to be. Since becoming a stay-at-home mom, my boundaries and my carefree spirit have shrunk considerably. I feel secure in my home with my kids and the routine that I’ve established. A routine that is so familiar, so safe, so comfortable. Problem is, when I’m in my comfort zone, it’s easy to forget what it’s like to depend on God for everything.

So you might say that this trip gave me a little kick in the pants. That’s okay. It was a kick in the pants that I needed. Depending on God throughout this adventure was the only way I could deal with how overwhelmed I felt. And just to set the record straight - God did not disappoint.

When I got off the plane, I faced my first challenge – finding a cab. Turns out it was pretty easy. It doesn’t hurt that I have a husband who travels to St. Louis frequently. He gave me tips to make the journey as painless as possible. Things like writing down the address for the driver. Asking if he took credit cards. Yup, didn’t hurt that my hubby had gone this route a few times.

When I arrived on campus, my first task was to find a place to eat. Knowing nothing about the area, I thought it would be best to eat at the school’s cafeteria. Problem being, who would I sit by? I walked into the cafeteria praying for a place to sit that wouldn’t make me feel so conspicuous. Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the seating area and looked around. There were several groups of people sitting together, but there was one man sitting alone. I felt a prompting to go sit by him, but the chicken in me didn’t want to take the risk. Then, aaaw, what the heck. I’m already way out of my comfort zone why not take another step? So I sat down across the table from him and introduced myself. While we made small talk, I couldn’t help noticing that he had a name tag on. Out of curiousity I asked him what he was on campus for. Even before he responded, I knew what he was going to say, he was here for the same faith and writing workshop that I was.

Coincidence? I think not. From then on, this pastor and I became friends. Since I had no idea how to get to the class, he led the way to the building and room where it was being held. Once we reached the classroom, he offered me the use of his extension cord which in my flurry of packing, I’d forgotten.

On the last night before the workshop ended, he told me a story. He had prayed to find a friend at the workshop - someone he could chat with, especially about writing. Turns out I was the answer to that prayer. Just think, if I hadn’t gone over and sat by him, the story would have turned out much differently.

From the moment I sat down for lunch next to a complete stranger, until I got back on that plane home, I did my best to following the promptings of God. And you know what? It was an amazing adventure. From finding this little café a block away from campus where they made a mean fruit and yogurt parfait (fresh mint in it – remarkable), to sitting next to one of the sweetest woman I’ve ever known, to getting the chance to visit an amazing family that I’ve known for many years; God provided. And the thing is, I could relax because God being God, I didn’t need to worry that he wouldn’t take care of my needs.

You know what I discovered - the really cool part of the whole trip? God was as faithful then as he’d been when I was single. And it made me wonder - how had I managed to forget this one important fact; that God is faithful. My theory? I don’t need God in the everyday, ordinary things of life. I’m in control. I get through my days just fine on my own. No help needed.

Only problem is, that’s not exactly true. It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting in a Faith and Writing Workshop in St. Louis, or cooking dinner in my small town Nebraska home - God is always God. And, whether I recognize it or not, God is faithful. Always. Everyday. No matter what.

So I’ll wrap up my trilogy here. The biggest lesson I learned from this whole experience? Just because I know my way around town, or get all my food needs met at the grocery store, or live the same routine day after day doesn’t mean God isn’t working wonders in my life. And it’s not his fault if I fail to recognize them for what they are. So, maybe I’ll step out of my comfort zone a little more realizing that God is working his “little miracles” in my life everyday. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll remember to be oh-so-grateful that he is.

Goodness Again

 . . . it is very well worthwhile to be tormented for two or three years of one’s life, for the sake of being able to read all the rest of it. ~ Jane Austen

1.   Tormented past participle, past tense of tor·ment (Verb)

Verb:

1.   Cause to experience severe mental or physical suffering: "he was tormented by jealousy".

Have you ever felt this way?  Tormented.  I think it’s safe to say that in the human experience, we all have felt this distressed at one time or another.  I know I have - especially in terms of my mental illness.  Life was pretty miserable for me before I was diagnosed.  On bad days it was all I could do just to swing my legs out of bed, place them on the floor, and drag myself into the day.  No, I sure didn’t wake up feeling like sunshine and hop to my feet eager to face the day.  Those were my bad days.  On my really bad days, suicide was constantly at the back of my mind.  I contemplated it, and the only thing that kept me moving was the knowledge that God didn’t mean for my story to end like that – he had a better ending planned.

I don’t know about anyone else, but while I struggled through those dark days, one book of the Bible was a vast source of hope, comfort, and refuge - the book of Psalms.  I especially loved the ones penned by the shepherd-king, David.  Many, many of his psalms were ones of anguish, confusion, and suffering.  I could relate to those things.  The fact that he was mentioned as a man after God’s own heart gave me comfort too.  Just because he was named as such didn’t mean he was afraid to ask the bigger questions of God – why this suffering, this pain, why was this his lot to bear?  If David who was a man after God’s own heart could ask tough questions, so could I.  God wasn’t going to abandon me or turn away from me. 

In fact running away from him and hiding was exactly the opposite of what I believe God wanted me to do.  I got the feeling that God would rather I pound him with my fists than run away and hide.   And that’s exactly what David did.  If you know the history of this king, you know that his life was anything but easy.  So when it came to asking the tough questions of God, he didn’t hold back.  In psalm after psalm, David exposed his pain out of a heart filled with anguish.  One of my favorite psalms written by him is Psalm 27.  I could write the entire thing it’s so good, but instead I’ll just share two key verses. 

Psalm 27: 13-14  I am . . . confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

And that’s exactly what I did.  I waited for the Lord, expecting an answer, anticipating an end to the suffering – waiting for his goodness to rain down on me as welcome as a spring shower falling on a dry and parched land.  So many years later I am happy to report that welcome rain has fallen on my life.  I’m on good meds. I have a faithful and loving husband who has stuck with me through the ups and downs of living with bipolar.  I have two beautiful children.  Most importantly, I have a faithful, loving God who has brought much goodness into my life. 

If you’re feeling hopeless, if you don’t think you can make it through one more day, hold on.  Don’t give up.  Don’t give in.  Believe.  Just believe.  Jane Austen had it right.  Being tormented for a brief time is worth all the pain you endure, because you are able to “read the rest of life” in many unexpected ways.  Or as a good track coach once said to me, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  They both had it right.  Most of all, King David had it right.  You will see the goodness of the Lord again.  And when you need to pound your fists on God, do it.  Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions.  I’m pretty sure he’s big enough to handle them. 

A New Year

Okay - jumping the gun a bit, but I figured this was a good "thank you" for the New Year.  I wrote this about ten years ago and sent it to my mom after she'd had a particularly bad year.  It was found when we were cleaning out her house. 
January, 2001

It's that time of year again, a time to ponder all of the wonderful miraculous blessings that we have received for yet another year.  Sometimes it's difficult to separate one year from another.  Time flies so swiftly, and we forget that what was so troublesome to us last year has now become a distant memory at best.  That's how quickly God can and does change things in our lives.

Sometimes I find myself neglecting to remember just how much God has answered my prayers.  At these moments I truly realize how ungrateful I am.  So God, please forgive me, and help me to remember:

Help me to remember the sore throat that went away, the toothache that never came, the car bill that wasn't mine to pay, the accident that never happened, the roommates and apartment that were mine to share, the extra money that helped me go on that trip, the doctor's visit that proved everything was A-OK.

The extra long smile from my brand new niece, the surprise week off from school, the long visit with my mom, a hug from a friend that changed my whole day, the Word of Life teaching my soul, the extra soft pillow on my bed at night, the stars shining brightly in the sky, the electricity we never lost, the rainbow reminding us that You keep your promises. 

The newborn babies I got to hold, the Saturday nights we spent with friends, the Sunday morning trips to church, the cows in the meadow and the grass in the field, and every other single blessing I've received so ungratefully from such a gracious hand as yours.

Amen.

P.S. Help me to have a better memory next year. 

Loving the Giver more than the Gifts

So, with Thanksgiving fast approaching I thought it would be appropriate to write about what being thankful means to me.  I have to admit that there have been many times in my life when I have not been thankful.  Whether in plenty or in want- sometimes it's too easy to keep my focus on things; what I have, what I don't have.  In fact, sometimes I become so obsessed with my "things" that I forget about the One who gave them to me.  

 I will always remember a prayer that my aunt prayed one Thanksgiving;  "Dear Lord, help us to love you the Giver more than we love the gifts you give."  That powerful petition  has stuck with me to this day.  So, here's a list of just some of the things I am so thankful for:

the sweet scent of spring
the smell of a newly mowed lawn
a bright, blue sky on a warm, sunshiney day
my kids' laughter
my husband's love
family and friends who are there through good times and bad
my bed (Oh, how I love to sleep)
my dog (Well, unless he's barking which, when I think about it, takes up a good portion of the day.)
happy and healthy kids
Jesus
the many posessions I have - most of which are wants more than needs
A Creator
A beautiful crystal clear lake just right for dipping toes in
Breathtaking sunsets
And the list goes on and on and on . . .

I remember before I was diagnosed bipolar coming across a verse that reminded me about what is truly important - the Giver, not the gifts.  It struck me as such a powerful verse that I journaled about it that day.   Here's an excerpt of what I wrote:

Psalm 62:10b Though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.(NIV)

When I underlined this verse, I felt as though God was sending me a message: 'When things get better, when you enter your own "Promised Land", don't forget about me'. But, I must admit,  in the midst of prosperity it's so easy to forget about God . . . '

Since being diagnosed, my riches have increased.  The first and most important way has been in my well- being - both of body and mind.  I feel really good most days.  I'm not  bogged down by the despair that comes with depression, and, with the right meds, my mania is very manageable.  On top of all that I have a wonderful family who supports and encourages me.  So yea, life is really, REALLY good for me.  So much so, that I guess you could say I've entered my own 'Promised Land'.  All of this reminds me of a strict warning that God gave to the Israelites before they came into their Promised Land -a land flowing with milk and honey.

Deutoronomy 6:10  When the Lord your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Issac and Jacob, to give you - a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant - then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.  (NIV)

So, if you are living in your own 'promised land' and, in the midst of your prosperity, you're tempted to forget about God, I have a little encouragement for you.  On this sacred week of thanks -make your own list of gifts.  Keep the list handy, and each day whisper a prayer of thanksgiving  to the One who has given us so much. Most important of all, keep your heart close to Him; the One who showers us with blessings too numerous to count.