the eternal question

You know what I hate about the story of Job? How God chews Job out at the end of the book. After all, wasn't God the one who described Job as the finest man on earth-- a man of complete integrity; didn't God refer to him as one who had nothing to do with evil?  In the story, Job experiences unimaginable suffering, so that by the end you might expect God to be singing Job's praises--"Well done good and faithful servant" kind of praises. But He doesn't. I have to admit that, in the past, I've always  skimmed that part of the story jumping to the happily ever after. And I'm wondering if all along I haven't been missing the most important part. 

It’s the eternal question, isn’t it? If God is so good then why so much suffering? Why, especially, does it seem that His faithful followers are inflicted with all kinds of grief and pain. This question always seems to be hovering above my heart waiting to consume me with its fire of anger, resentment, and doubt about God’s goodness.

After all, who hasn’t wondered why God allows such suffering on the earth. For a nonbeliever the answer might come easier; God isn’t real, He doesn’t exist, or, if He does, He’s a fraud. But for the believer who trusts God, who follows God, suffering seems to be the antitheses of all that we believe God to be; gracious, merciful, loving. 

Today, for the first time in a long time, I remembered the night I was hospitalized in a state of severe psychosis. I remember the pain of waking up and realizing that all of my visions in the past several days--the ones I thought were from God had been nothing more than the twisted work of a devil—a devil who masquerades as an angel of light. I felt so vulnerable, scared, and unsure of what had gone on. My past seemed a fraud and my future loomed before me with so many unanswered questions. 

In the midst of all that pain, I was tempted more than at any other time in my life to turn my back on God—to have nothing more to do with Him. God was good, was He?  I had prayed. I had worked. I had been faithful. Was all of this just a cheap trick by some puppet master in heaven who, despite what I’d been taught, didn’t care about me at all? Worse yet, was He mocking me? 

Looking back, almost ten years later, I realized something else today, God's perspective, His eternal perspective is so much clearer than my own. In the midst of that thought something else occurred to me. The best person who ever lived, a person who was good to the core, who followed God unswervingly endured terrible suffering, too. Jesus. 

I'm sure there wasn't a single day that Jesus didn't experience some type of trouble. Yet, he followed God, he trusted God, he believed in God's goodness. So what was the outcome of his life? What did he receive as a reward for his faithful obedience? He died. On a cross. Alone. And the very God he called Father had forsaken him. 

Jesus felt the pain of it, the full pain of being left to wonder if God really is as good as He claims to be. And you know what? To the very end Jesus believed that, yes, his Father was good. Though he felt forsaken, Jesus entrusted his spirit to the One who could rescue him from death. 

If the best person who ever lived endured such unimaginable pain, is it too much for God to ask that I endure suffering with the same faith and hope that Jesus did? After all, look at what came out of Jesus’ life; out of his death. Our salvation. Something magnificent and beautiful grew out of the ashes of death—Jesus brought us back to God, back to our Father. 

Let me encourage you today to look at suffering with a little bit different perspective. See it not as a curse to be borne. Instead, praise God for what He will bring out of the ashes of your own suffering. Life. Eternal life—with a happily ever after we can’t even begin to imagine. All will be set right in the end. I believe that with all my heart. I hope you can find the faith to believe it, too.

a crazy journal

Psalm 90:15 Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good.

I know my blog entries have slowed down. Now that my kids are on summer break, they are truly my priority. I’m trying to make the most of having them at home, especially since my little girl will be in kindergarten next year. So, for now, expect fewer entries, but look for more to come in the fall.

Moving on

Yesterday, I found a journal in my bedside stand that truly intrigued me. Over the years, I’ve written many journals, but what made this one so interesting was the fact that it was the journal I wrote in before and after I was diagnosed bipolar. Even though I’ve only read a handful of the entries, something about them has caught my attention. 

In the years before I was diagnosed, I had lots of ups and downs--a fact that was made clear even in the few entries I read. Since it’s a good peek into what was going on in my life at the time, I wanted to share a couple of the entries. They were written shortly after I was diagnosed—a time that was completely scary and confusing, a time when I was just beginning to understand the monster that had clung to me for so long—bipolar.

6/16/04

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. I finally understand that maybe it wasn’t my fault, maybe something’s been wrong inside and I just couldn’t fix it. Lord help my mind. Make me whole. Let the doctors put me on the right meds. May my friends not think less of me, but be encouraged by my example. In Jesus’ name.

6/21/04

Oh Lord, hear the cries of my heart. I don’t want to be bipolar. I just want to be normal. I don’t even know what that means. Please guide me. In Jesus’ name. Amen

7/01/04

Why am I so hard on myself? I’m frustrated and depressed right now. Lord, save me. Don’t let me drown in this today. I’m afraid my meds are going to make me, not me. Lord reassure me. I have a big lump in my throat, and mostly, I just don’t understand. Why does life have to be so difficult and frustrating? Help.

Though I don’t miss much about going undiagnosed, one thing I do miss is how much I clung to God and His word at that point in time. I had this sense of urgency that brought me back to scripture time and again. It was like a fountain to my parched soul--the only place I could go to receive hope and renewed faith. 

So, if you struggle with any type of mental illness or disorder this post is for you. I want you to know that God has been faithful to keep all of His promises—each and every one. Don’t give up. There is hope even in the midst of the darkest valley. Remember that. There is hope. Most importantly of all, trust the One who keeps his promises—to replace the evil years with good and give you gladness in proportion to your former misery. He’s done it for me; I hope and pray you will trust Him to do it for you, too.

good cop, bad cop

You know what I’ve been thinking about for a while? Don’t you just love it when I start an entry that way? Lately, I’ve been contemplating the mysteries of God. Well, not really but I have been contemplating this -  why it’s so easy to think of God as the bad guy, the one who lives upstairs and is a merciless task master - the one who’s only out to catch us when we do bad stuff. In other words, why is it so easy to focus on the wrath of God rather than his amazing love?

I’ll cut to the chase here. I fully admit that while I know that God loves me, that he sent His Son to save me from myself, and even now makes his home in my heart, I don’t really get the love of God. For me it’s easier to focus on the laws. Let me give you an example. This is a long passage to write, let alone read, but bear with me, will ya, ‘cause I want to make a point here.

Isaiah 61:1 – 3 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and to provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of Praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Whew! Thanks for hanging in there. My question for you is this. In this passage how many times is there any kind of reference to God’s judgment? Once. And how many times of his love and redemption? Nine. That’s nine times that God makes a promise to heal the brokenness of humanity and only once that the word judgment pops up. But you know what verse I seem to fixate on the most; the judgment one – the day of vengeance of our God. And I’m wondering, is it just me, or is fixating on God as the bad guy more of a human nature thing?

The thought occurs to me even as I type this that there’s a reason why it’s so easy to make God out to be the bad guy in this mess of life. It’s the lie that’s easiest to believe. The Liar (Satan) wants us to view God in that way. It makes his job a whole lot easier. If we don’t get his love for us then why would we ever want to draw near to him? Are we all missing out on the best that God has to offer – his love. Nine times up there in that long passage God affirms his love for humanity and only once is there a reference to his judgment.

But still what’s the point. Well, to be honest I’m not sure. But here’s a thought. God’s our Father - the one who made us. He’s our redeemer the one who saved us. And even now his Spirit dwells in us moving us ever closer to Him. Were we to view the bible from the lens of God’s love for us it would make a difference in our lives – a huge difference. Don’t believe me? I’ll close with another passage, and let you decide for yourself how important it is to really get God’s love for us. Of all the things the Apostle Paul could have prayed for his friends in Ephesus; stronger faith, more devotion to Christ, a fervent prayer life, a more generous spirit - of all those things, this is what he prayed.

Ephesians 3:14 – 18 I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit . . . so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power . . . to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge.

It’s easy to make God out to be the bad guy. But it’s so important to know him as the God who’s for us – the one who loves us, the one who sacrificed his only Son to bring us back to himself. Stop focusing on the strict figurehead that we assume is God. Let your roots sink down deep into the soil of a marvelous love – the one God has for you.  

Lord, could you move a little faster – pretty please?

Instill – to introduce by gradual instruction, to pour in slowly by drops.

Do you have a destination in mind? I mean is there a place in your life you want to be? A status you desire; mom, husband, girlfriend, fiancé, dad? Is there a happily ever after you haven’t attained and, for the life of you, you can’t figure out why. Well, I know it’s horribly overused, but yes, I’ll say it anyway – the grass isn’t always greener. Don’t you hate it when people tell you that? It’s okay. Go on and despise me if you will. I still have something to say, or rather, write.

My first experiences of longing for greener pastures came during my childhood. I don’t know about you, but for me growing up took way too long. I wanted to be just a little bit taller or faster. I wanted a boyfriend, wanted to drive a car. When would I ever be able to make my own decisions and gain access to the freedoms that grown-ups had?

When I was in college it was another desire that nearly drove me crazy. I was single. I wanted a boyfriend. Why couldn’t I date the person that I wanted when I wanted? Then at the ripe old age of twenty-two I decided it was time to meet my future husband. Did you catch that? I decided. It was time. So where was he, my husband-to-be? It hurt to be alone. I longed to have someone who would cheer me up or cuddle with me when I was sad. I wanted to be married, darn it, and God just wasn’t moving fast enough.

But right around the age of twenty-six – the age I thought I would be married by, something occurred to me. The startling revelation? I would never get the chance to be single again. Never. Ever. Why not enjoy it while it lasted? So I did, for the most part. Don’t get me wrong, I pined and whined at times for that special person to come into my life. But God was teaching me a valuable lesson even then – don’t wish your life away. After all, I lived in a beautiful home with four other women, and we were having a blast. The décor was mid 70’s right down to the green shag carpet and orange countertops. We didn’t care. It was our home – perfect for the five of us, and we were reveling in it.

Fast forward about three years when my future hubby came into my life. He was perfect for me – such a joy and blessing. I couldn’t have asked for better. What’s more, now that I’d gloried in my single years, I was ready to be married. I didn’t have regrets, didn’t experience any “what ifs”. God had brought the perfect guy into my life at the perfect time, and it was, well, perfect.

Two years later, little Jack entered into our lives. How easy it would have been to long for the late night feedings, and the crying, and the changing of diapers to be over. Done. Finito. But God in his wisdom had prepared me for these years, too. Once again, I realized something very important. My child would never be this age again. I would never get to cuddle him, or hold him, or play peek-a-boo with him like I could now. I was reminded that each day with him was priceless – a gift to be treasured.

Fast forward a few years later  - aaah the joys of potty training. Yea, I could have skipped right over that stage. But, hold on, was there a lesson that God was trying to teach me even then? Teaching me in a way that couldn’t be rushed. Did God have a plan for even potty training? Maybe. He cares about every detail of our lives after all. So yes, I suppose there were lessons to be learned even in the baptismal fires of potty-training.

Instill. Love the word.  Love it. It was a word that I stumbled across when I was a new college graduate. I think the reason I liked it so much was because it made sense to me. As a teacher, I longed to instill lessons in my students’ lives. And, as any good teacher will tell you, the lessons your students really grasp are the ones you teach them over and over again, drop by drop.

So why should God do anything less? The lessons he wants us to learn can only be instilled drop by drop. Yes, sometimes the process seems painstakingly slow, but we can trust the Lord, the one who is doing the instilling.

I want a God who will keep me growing in the right direction. I want to know that the lessons he’s teaching me will last even into eternity. Waiting is no fun. It’s hard - no getting around that. But, in the midst of the delay remember something – God is not punishing you, nor is he slow to act. He’s just a really good tutor.  

Meet Me in St. Louis - Part Three

Ready for Part Three? After all, the best stories always come in threes, don’t they? Part One of this silly story was about my discovery that the writing workshop I was attending was in St. Louis and not Seward, NE. Part Two was about what I experienced on my flight to St. Louis. So without further ado, the much anticipated Part Three of Meet Me in St. Louis.

Ever since my adventures in St. Louis, I’ve realized something about myself. I am a worrier. Well, actually I’ve always realized this, but it became even more clear once I’d returned home from my travels. You see, while I was in St. Louis it was a step-by-step thing. I was already so overwhelmed by being there in the first place that I had to take it one moment at a time.

From the beginning of this crazy adventure, I leaned on God like I hadn’t for a long time. When I was still a swinging single, I was used to doing things on my own. I was much more independent with a “ready for anything” kind of attitude. That’s the way it was because that’s the way it had to be. Since becoming a stay-at-home mom, my boundaries and my carefree spirit have shrunk considerably. I feel secure in my home with my kids and the routine that I’ve established. A routine that is so familiar, so safe, so comfortable. Problem is, when I’m in my comfort zone, it’s easy to forget what it’s like to depend on God for everything.

So you might say that this trip gave me a little kick in the pants. That’s okay. It was a kick in the pants that I needed. Depending on God throughout this adventure was the only way I could deal with how overwhelmed I felt. And just to set the record straight - God did not disappoint.

When I got off the plane, I faced my first challenge – finding a cab. Turns out it was pretty easy. It doesn’t hurt that I have a husband who travels to St. Louis frequently. He gave me tips to make the journey as painless as possible. Things like writing down the address for the driver. Asking if he took credit cards. Yup, didn’t hurt that my hubby had gone this route a few times.

When I arrived on campus, my first task was to find a place to eat. Knowing nothing about the area, I thought it would be best to eat at the school’s cafeteria. Problem being, who would I sit by? I walked into the cafeteria praying for a place to sit that wouldn’t make me feel so conspicuous. Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the seating area and looked around. There were several groups of people sitting together, but there was one man sitting alone. I felt a prompting to go sit by him, but the chicken in me didn’t want to take the risk. Then, aaaw, what the heck. I’m already way out of my comfort zone why not take another step? So I sat down across the table from him and introduced myself. While we made small talk, I couldn’t help noticing that he had a name tag on. Out of curiousity I asked him what he was on campus for. Even before he responded, I knew what he was going to say, he was here for the same faith and writing workshop that I was.

Coincidence? I think not. From then on, this pastor and I became friends. Since I had no idea how to get to the class, he led the way to the building and room where it was being held. Once we reached the classroom, he offered me the use of his extension cord which in my flurry of packing, I’d forgotten.

On the last night before the workshop ended, he told me a story. He had prayed to find a friend at the workshop - someone he could chat with, especially about writing. Turns out I was the answer to that prayer. Just think, if I hadn’t gone over and sat by him, the story would have turned out much differently.

From the moment I sat down for lunch next to a complete stranger, until I got back on that plane home, I did my best to following the promptings of God. And you know what? It was an amazing adventure. From finding this little café a block away from campus where they made a mean fruit and yogurt parfait (fresh mint in it – remarkable), to sitting next to one of the sweetest woman I’ve ever known, to getting the chance to visit an amazing family that I’ve known for many years; God provided. And the thing is, I could relax because God being God, I didn’t need to worry that he wouldn’t take care of my needs.

You know what I discovered - the really cool part of the whole trip? God was as faithful then as he’d been when I was single. And it made me wonder - how had I managed to forget this one important fact; that God is faithful. My theory? I don’t need God in the everyday, ordinary things of life. I’m in control. I get through my days just fine on my own. No help needed.

Only problem is, that’s not exactly true. It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting in a Faith and Writing Workshop in St. Louis, or cooking dinner in my small town Nebraska home - God is always God. And, whether I recognize it or not, God is faithful. Always. Everyday. No matter what.

So I’ll wrap up my trilogy here. The biggest lesson I learned from this whole experience? Just because I know my way around town, or get all my food needs met at the grocery store, or live the same routine day after day doesn’t mean God isn’t working wonders in my life. And it’s not his fault if I fail to recognize them for what they are. So, maybe I’ll step out of my comfort zone a little more realizing that God is working his “little miracles” in my life everyday. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll remember to be oh-so-grateful that he is.

Goodness Again

 . . . it is very well worthwhile to be tormented for two or three years of one’s life, for the sake of being able to read all the rest of it. ~ Jane Austen

1.   Tormented past participle, past tense of tor·ment (Verb)

Verb:

1.   Cause to experience severe mental or physical suffering: "he was tormented by jealousy".

Have you ever felt this way?  Tormented.  I think it’s safe to say that in the human experience, we all have felt this distressed at one time or another.  I know I have - especially in terms of my mental illness.  Life was pretty miserable for me before I was diagnosed.  On bad days it was all I could do just to swing my legs out of bed, place them on the floor, and drag myself into the day.  No, I sure didn’t wake up feeling like sunshine and hop to my feet eager to face the day.  Those were my bad days.  On my really bad days, suicide was constantly at the back of my mind.  I contemplated it, and the only thing that kept me moving was the knowledge that God didn’t mean for my story to end like that – he had a better ending planned.

I don’t know about anyone else, but while I struggled through those dark days, one book of the Bible was a vast source of hope, comfort, and refuge - the book of Psalms.  I especially loved the ones penned by the shepherd-king, David.  Many, many of his psalms were ones of anguish, confusion, and suffering.  I could relate to those things.  The fact that he was mentioned as a man after God’s own heart gave me comfort too.  Just because he was named as such didn’t mean he was afraid to ask the bigger questions of God – why this suffering, this pain, why was this his lot to bear?  If David who was a man after God’s own heart could ask tough questions, so could I.  God wasn’t going to abandon me or turn away from me. 

In fact running away from him and hiding was exactly the opposite of what I believe God wanted me to do.  I got the feeling that God would rather I pound him with my fists than run away and hide.   And that’s exactly what David did.  If you know the history of this king, you know that his life was anything but easy.  So when it came to asking the tough questions of God, he didn’t hold back.  In psalm after psalm, David exposed his pain out of a heart filled with anguish.  One of my favorite psalms written by him is Psalm 27.  I could write the entire thing it’s so good, but instead I’ll just share two key verses. 

Psalm 27: 13-14  I am . . . confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

And that’s exactly what I did.  I waited for the Lord, expecting an answer, anticipating an end to the suffering – waiting for his goodness to rain down on me as welcome as a spring shower falling on a dry and parched land.  So many years later I am happy to report that welcome rain has fallen on my life.  I’m on good meds. I have a faithful and loving husband who has stuck with me through the ups and downs of living with bipolar.  I have two beautiful children.  Most importantly, I have a faithful, loving God who has brought much goodness into my life. 

If you’re feeling hopeless, if you don’t think you can make it through one more day, hold on.  Don’t give up.  Don’t give in.  Believe.  Just believe.  Jane Austen had it right.  Being tormented for a brief time is worth all the pain you endure, because you are able to “read the rest of life” in many unexpected ways.  Or as a good track coach once said to me, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  They both had it right.  Most of all, King David had it right.  You will see the goodness of the Lord again.  And when you need to pound your fists on God, do it.  Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions.  I’m pretty sure he’s big enough to handle them.