Regret. Yes, that’s what I was supposed to be writing about this week. Funny thing, I actually had to look back at my first blog about “the big three” to remember what the third one on the list was. Kind of regret that. Yes, that was my lame attempt at cracking a joke. Hope you don’t regret reading this. Okay, I’ve really got to stop and get to the serious stuff.

Regret, there it is. The last of “the big three”. When I look back on my life, there are a lot of things I regret. The big one that comes to mind is adopting my husband’s sense of humor. But there are plenty of others, so, I thought I’d make a top ten list of my biggest regrets in life.

My Top Ten Regrets

10. Buying glasses in the third grade that matched Estelle Getty’s from the show “The Golden Girls”.

9. Letting my husband see pictures of me wearing those glasses.

8. T.P,’ ing my high school science teacher’s front yard. Yup, got caught. By the police.

7. Skipping, for the first time ever, my last period of the day and running into my mom when I was filling my car up with gas.

6. Trying to fry a steak in my college roommate’s brand new skillet. (Still feel bad about that one.)

5. Letting the dog sleep on our bed.

4. Letting the dog sleep on our bed. I so strongly regret this one that I had to list it twice.

3. Introducing my kids to the cartoon, Wow Wow Wubbzy. seriously. regret. that.

2. Buying the little black dress that fell apart when I tried to wash it. (Hmmm, maybe I wasn’t supposed to wash it.)

And the number one biggest regret in my life . . .

1. Spending too much time regretting my decisions.

So, I guess there should be some gravity to this silly post. What do we do when we’ve made a mistake that we regret? Since I dogged him at the beginning of this post, I’ll make it up to my husband. Bad humor or not, he does give some pretty good advice.

Shortly before we got married, I made a mistake. Though I don’t even recall what I was stewing about, I distinctly remember the advice that my, then fiancé, gave to me. Don’t look back. Learn from your mistake and keep going forward. I don’t know why, but that day, the advice he gave kind of set me free. He was right. I didn’t need to regret the past; I just needed to learn from it. When you think about it, regret is a little bit like guilt. It’s a feeling, a fear, that just holds us back. So, learn from your mistakes and keep moving on. Best advice I ever got from a man whose sense of humor is questionable, but whose advice is always sound.

 

Neither go back in fear and misgiving to the past, nor in anxiety and forecasting to the future. But lie quiet under [God’s] hand having no will but His. ~ C.S. Lewis

the big three - part two

Before my last blog post was so rudely interrupted by my good old friend, depression, I was beginning to write the second part to a series called – the big three. Two weeks ago, I wrote about how guilt has been a monster that hunts me down at every turn, and why it has been such a heavy burden to bear. Now, I want to turn your attention to another favorite emotion of mine – fear.

When I think about the things I’m afraid of, some seem pretty predictable – spiders, snakes, heights, all ones you might relate to. Those are easy fears to admit to. But what about life-altering fears? Fears that paralyze me and keep me from being effective – all that God wants me to be. The one at the top of the list - fear of failure. And one not so far behind - the fear of what others think about me.

Fear of failure. I confess this is the one that keeps me from accomplishing and pursuing certain passions of mine like writing a book. What if I fail? What if what I write about is no good? What if no one wants to read my book, or worse, after reading it walks away seriously disappointed that they wasted their money?

I have a favorite quote when it comes to this idea of failure. It’s by the well known author, JK Rowling. What she has to say about failure has packed a powerful punch for me.

 It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all.

I don’t want to live my life so cautiously that I look back in regret to all of those “what ifs”, “could have beens”, and missed opportunities in general. I want to live my life boldly, fearlessly - with purpose in every step I take.

So why am I so afraid of failing? The answer to that leads to my second irrational fear – fear of what others think of me. Take this whole facebook thing. The likes, the comments, the posts shared. I have to admit that, all too often, I base my self-worth on what others think of me. And, for me, facebook has just blown all of that out of proportion. If I don’t get a lot of likes, especially for my blog posts, I take it too personally and feel discouraged. (I promise this isn’t a solicitation for lots of “likes” for this particular post).

It seems to me, that, in our world today, we focus entirely too much on what others think of us. We are all constantly chasing our tails trying to prove to somebody, anybody, that we really are worthy, likable, even lovable human beings. And when bad times hit we still put on that mask of “Yes, I’m fine,” when really inside we’re not.

For me, what it all comes down to is this – on what or whom am I basing my self-worth? If I fail, does that make me a horrible person? If someone doesn’t like me, or like what I do, does that mean I’m insignificant? It’s a daily battle -  one I’m striving to win. I am not important because people think I am. I am not valued because I wear the right clothes every day. I am not cherished because people “like,” all my facebook posts. Rather, I am important, I am significant, I am cherished because God says so. And if God says so, that’s good enough for me. Let it be good enough for you, too.

crazy side effects

I’m interrupting this broadcast – the big three, part 2 – for a very important announcement. For the first time in years, I have been dealing with a horrible bout of depression. It feels awful. Miserable. Oppressive. Just as I remember feeling, only it seems ten times worse. I have been doing well for so long that it has become easy to forget how miserable depression is. In fact, recently I’d begun to think that maybe things pre-diagnosis weren’t so bad. Maybe I could get by with less medication, or even take one out of the regimen all together. That’s before the depression hit like a punch in the gut.

I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was rather hopeful that it wouldn’t. Two weeks ago, I went to see my psychiatrist. I know that admitting that I have a psychiatrist puts me on the crazy list, but craziness, after all, is what this blog is all about. My psychiatrist is someone I truly respect and admire. So naturally, when I was having some scary side effects, I went to see him.

The problematic side effects I’d been having were quite troubling. I was having problems with my memory - going to a room and forgetting why I was there or having a conversation and forgetting what I was going to say. At best it was annoying. At worst it was embarrassing. When I explained these problems to my psychiatrist, he mentioned that it would be worthwhile to cut back on one of the meds that I’ve been taking for several years.

With hope, I lowered the dosage of this med and for a full week it seemed that everything would be fine. Then several days ago, out of nowhere, it hit. Depression. Severe Depression. Ouch. I’d been doing so well for so long I’d almost forgotten how it felt. Despite the fact that it would continue to cause those memory lapses, I knew in my heart that I was going to have to go back up on the med. I would rather deal with memory problems than the depression that can set in if I’m not on the right dosages of the proper meds.

One thing this experience did make me think about was how I questioned whether I really needed medication at all. I wonder how many others who take medication for some form of mental illness have felt this way at one point or another. The, oh I’m doing so well, surely I can go off these meds and I’ll be just fine feeling. Newsflash. The reason you’re feeling fine now is because you are on the right meds and the right dosages. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that getting off the meds is the answer to your problems. In my experience, getting of the meds can be your demise.

I would give anything to be medication free - to not have to deal with unpleasant side-effects like memory loss. But I truly feel in my heart and know in my head that meds – the right ones- have made my life as wonderful as I could have hoped for. Don’t go off your meds. Don’t lie to yourself and think you’re strong enough to handle your mental illness without that aid. When I was finally diagnosed, I made a promise to my husband that I would never go off my medications. I’ve kept that promise and it has made my life better for it.

This past episode reminded me how vital it is to be on the right meds and the right dosages. If you’re dealing with a mental illness and you’re not getting the relief you need, go to a doctor. Be your own best advocate. Do what it takes to be happy and healthy. I’m living proof that life on meds, the right ones, can and will make all the difference in the world.

The Big Three

John 8:31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “if you hold to my teaching you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

You know what I’ve realized about myself? I’m a fretter and a stewer. Mostly about mistakes or bad decisions I’ve made or unfortunate circumstances that I find myself in. These are all feelings that have led me down a path I really don’t want to be on with thoughts that have never done me any good - fear, guilt, and regret. Yup, the Big Three. The three that can stop me in my tracks. Lock me in a prison of despair. Immobilize me. If there was ever a person who has been led down the path of misery too many times by these treacherous feelings, it would have to be me.

I have felt guilty about entirely too many things, dwelt entirely too much on my mistakes, shortcomings, screw-ups. And you know what I’ve found? That as good and pious as it might seem to grovel at the feet of God, begging forgiveness for my poor sinful condition, it isn’t really what He wants. In fact, I think carrying around a load of guilt is exactly the opposite of what He wants. I think He wants me to believe.

Believe what? Believe that His Son paid the full price for all of my sins, all of them. And holding on to guilt is kind of a slap in the face to Him when you think about it. It’s like I’m telling Him, ‘Yes, I know that Jesus loves me. Yes, I know that He died for my sins, but I think I need to add something to all of that by groveling on my knees to show just how sorry I am.’ And, while I think it’s vitally important that we are repentant, that we are sorry, I think once the mercy is asked for, God wants us to stand up and keep moving in the right direction.

Proverbs 24:16 [F]or though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again.

You see, I think the Big Three are feelings God never meant for us to carry around. Think about it. If you had a child who had broken your favorite vase or golf clubs or whatever, a child who was truly sorry and admitted that they’d done wrong, you’d punish them. But afterward, after all was said and done, would you want your child to carry around a load of guilt for the rest of their childhood? Of course not. 

So the big question is, why do we? If Jesus came to do what He truly wanted to do – set us free, why would we remain behind bars of guilt when the door to the cell has already been cracked wide open? You see, Jesus did come to set us free. Set us free to run in the path of His commands. So let’s try something shall we? A New Year’s Resolution that might just revolutionize our relationship with God. Believe the truth – the truth that God has removed our sins and our guilt -  as far away from us as the east is from the west. I don’t know about you, but this is one New Year’s resolution that I’m looking forward to keeping – maybe even for a lifetime.