a crazy journal

Psalm 90:15 Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good.

I know my blog entries have slowed down. Now that my kids are on summer break, they are truly my priority. I’m trying to make the most of having them at home, especially since my little girl will be in kindergarten next year. So, for now, expect fewer entries, but look for more to come in the fall.

Moving on

Yesterday, I found a journal in my bedside stand that truly intrigued me. Over the years, I’ve written many journals, but what made this one so interesting was the fact that it was the journal I wrote in before and after I was diagnosed bipolar. Even though I’ve only read a handful of the entries, something about them has caught my attention. 

In the years before I was diagnosed, I had lots of ups and downs--a fact that was made clear even in the few entries I read. Since it’s a good peek into what was going on in my life at the time, I wanted to share a couple of the entries. They were written shortly after I was diagnosed—a time that was completely scary and confusing, a time when I was just beginning to understand the monster that had clung to me for so long—bipolar.

6/16/04

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. I finally understand that maybe it wasn’t my fault, maybe something’s been wrong inside and I just couldn’t fix it. Lord help my mind. Make me whole. Let the doctors put me on the right meds. May my friends not think less of me, but be encouraged by my example. In Jesus’ name.

6/21/04

Oh Lord, hear the cries of my heart. I don’t want to be bipolar. I just want to be normal. I don’t even know what that means. Please guide me. In Jesus’ name. Amen

7/01/04

Why am I so hard on myself? I’m frustrated and depressed right now. Lord, save me. Don’t let me drown in this today. I’m afraid my meds are going to make me, not me. Lord reassure me. I have a big lump in my throat, and mostly, I just don’t understand. Why does life have to be so difficult and frustrating? Help.

Though I don’t miss much about going undiagnosed, one thing I do miss is how much I clung to God and His word at that point in time. I had this sense of urgency that brought me back to scripture time and again. It was like a fountain to my parched soul--the only place I could go to receive hope and renewed faith. 

So, if you struggle with any type of mental illness or disorder this post is for you. I want you to know that God has been faithful to keep all of His promises—each and every one. Don’t give up. There is hope even in the midst of the darkest valley. Remember that. There is hope. Most importantly of all, trust the One who keeps his promises—to replace the evil years with good and give you gladness in proportion to your former misery. He’s done it for me; I hope and pray you will trust Him to do it for you, too.