a bittersweet trip

As we pulled on to the interstate at mile marker 426, I anticipated the trip – what was to come.  Unexpectedly, I felt a growing sense of sorrow - wave upon wave washing over me as we traveled further north.  As we passed each mile marker, the vivid memories of time spent with Mom became bittersweet reminders of all that we had, and all that we had lost.  From the beginning to the end a wave of emotions -laughter, tears, sorrow, joy intermingled in my heart.  We drove down the road towards the place I’d always called home; the place where she would no longer be. 

Mile Marker 426 – Nebraska

 The kids were loaded, snacks bought, the van filled up with gas.  We were on our way, a trip to South Dakota to participate in the first ever kidney walk in memory of Mom.  Even before we pulled onto the interstate bittersweet thoughts filled my heart.  Bitter because I was giving up seven and a half years of teaching memories; from bulletin borders, to curriculum books, to arts and crafts supplies, we were bringing it all so I could give it away.  The sweetness?  It was a gift to my niece who graduates in a few weeks with her teaching degree.  Even as I felt the sorrow of letting go – knowing who I was giving it to made it easier.  ‘It will help her get started on her own teaching journey,’ I thought and the knowledge of that made me smile. 

Mile Marker 156– Iowa

My thoughts turned towards home, what I’d always called home -  Mom’s house.  I recalled the memories of familiar sights and sounds there to greet us when we walked in the door.  The smell of fresh baked cookies, banana bread, trail mix or any other assortment of goodies that she’d made.  Giving her a big hug and holding on tight.  The kids were going to miss the candy drawer.  I was going to miss spending time with her - catching her snoozing in her favorite chair while watching TV.  Hugging her good night and telling her, ‘I love you.’ Dozens of these memories filled my mind as the van rolled down the road closer to the place I’d always loved – the place I’d grown up in, my childhood home.

 Mile Marker 18 – South Dakota

This is when the tears started to flow.  Unexpected, out of the blue, crocodile tears.  An ordinary mile marker -  the same as every other one we’d passed brought them on.  A small town – Elk Point with a restaurant we’d frequented over the years, Cody’s - one of Mom’s favorite places to eat when we were on the road.  So strange that such a simple memory could carry such a breathtaking punch aimed directly at my heart.  My tears were silent ones, the kind I didn’t want to share.  They hung hot and heavy as they slid down my cheeks. 

Then, an unexpected surprise, my four-year-old daughter asking to hold my hand.  Her precious little hands stroking mine, softly and gently as if she sensed that what her mama needed most was this touch of love.

Mile Marker 77 – South Dakota

Sioux Falls - a favorite destination from my childhood.  Visiting the Empire Mall to go shopping for school clothes, sipping on Orange Julius’s in the mall’s food court, sampling candy and fudge.  Heading home exhausted, yet thrilled with all of the new purchases made – ready to start a new school year.

Mile Marker 101 – South Dakota

Our kids whine and repeat the never ending phrase – Are we there yet?   Five minutes later - Are we there yet?  Every parent’s dreaded nightmare reminded me of the vacations I took as a child.  Crossing the plains, my siblings and I roamed freely in the car, fighting for territory and back-seat privileges.  All of those sweet times when we were “stuck” in a car together and bonded even as we suffered what we thought were the worst experiences of our lives – family vacations.

Mile marker 132 – South Dakota

As we roll ever closer to our destination, a sign catches my eye, an advertisement for Applebees – a restaurant  Mom and I frequented.  So many times we’d met for lunch there.  We’d order our favorites.  As I gobbled down my food, I’d watch poor Mom struggle to eat even a few bites of what she’d ordered -  eating like a bird because her stomach wouldn’t allow her to eat too much at once. 

Mile marker 156  - South Dakota

Our destination lies near, the anticipation of driving into Watertown without her being there makes me crazy.  My husband sensing that this trip has been hard shares his earphones -  unexpectedly choosing music only he could love making me laugh at the strange beats, rhythms, crazy lyrics of his favorites.  Then, finally, choosing one song he knows I’ll like  - The Dancing Queen – lryics that I can belt out with the best of them.  I laugh and sway to the music, breaking the solemn moment with a smile.

Mile marker 177 – South Dakota

Finally, we pull off of the interstate and drive down the ramp towards town.  All those car trips, my family took, vacations, shopping, heading out to our lake cabin.  All of them rolled into one - a cinema of movies playing across the screen of my heart.  Will I be able to survive this?

We reach my brother’s house.  Climbing out of the car we head inside. It is my son’s birthday, and they have surprises waiting.  Jack’s eyes open wide when he spots the clown cake made just for him.  He eagerly opens the present they give him.  No, this isn’t home.  But it is right.  It is a good place to be.  Over the weekend we bond.  We share memories.  We laugh.  Mom would have loved it – loved all of it.  As we prepare to leave on Sunday, my sister-in-law gives me a hug and speaks a benediction of sorts, “Come back soon.  This will always be home.”  A sweet ending to a bittersweet trip.