crazy honesty

Can I just say that I do not feel like writing today?  It's one of those "ball-and-chain" days.  Everytime I go to do something, I feel that weight of depression bringing me down.  Anyway, since I'm not that interested in writing today this post may be a total flop.  Oh well, such is life. 

On a side note I wanted to thank all of you for giving me so much encouragement.  It really means a lot to hear that what I've written has helped you, or given you courage, or reminded you that you are not alone.

Something I've been thinking about lately - I am terrible at being frank with a person even if they ask me to be totally honest.  I'm afraid that if I speak my mind, I'll hurt their feelings, or they won't like me anymore.  Sounds pretty junior high-ish, I know.  But it's a real problem for me; one that I wish I could overcome.  

Proverbs 27:6  Faithful are the wounds of a friend but an enemy multiplies kisses.  (NLT)

I love this proverb.  It reminds me that if I am truly going to be a good friend, then I need to be honest in my relationships.  Telling a friend what I think they want to hear doesn't do any good.  And, according to the above verse, it actually makes me an enemy.  After all, if a good friend was about ready to jump off a cliff, I'd stop them in a heartbeat.  Why is it so hard to be honest with them when they're figuratively "jumping of a cliff?"

Proverbs 27:17  As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.  (NIV)

According to the Bible, this is how a relationship is supposed to work.  Like iron sharpening iron, true friends should be there not only to encourage and love one another, but also to intervene when one of them seems to be heading down the wrong path.  If we go on pretending like everything is great, we're bound to be less than honest with the person we call "friend."  The few times I've been completely transparent with someone, I've found that our relationship becomes stronger, more authentic, more honest.

But I fall far short of this charge to be honest.  When you've been a people pleaser like I have for most of my life, changing your ways doesn't come easy.  But I truly want to get there, and I know that only God can sanctify me in this area of life.  I think if I stopped being afraid of hurting someone's feelings I might actually be able to do something good for them; not crushing their spirit, but gently pointing the way that I, as their friend, know they should go. 

finding the defendant not guilty

Raise your hand if you are continually plagued by the guilty bug.  Okay, well you don't really have to raise your hand because, obviously, I can't see you.  But you may be wondering, what is the guilty bug?  The guilty bug is the one that sits on your shoulders, and, the moment you do something "wrong"  whispers in your ears, "You're guilty."  You know those cartoons that show a devil sitting on one shoulder and an angel on the other.   Well, how often do you listen to the Liar rather than focusing on the Truth?  The truth that we are forgiven - that we are a new creation in Christ.  Why is it so much easier to hold on to the guilt rather than to be washed clean in grace?  I am especially guilty of this.  Guilty of feeling guilty and dragging that guilt around with me wherever I go. 

I have been reading a book by C.S. Lewis called The Screwtape Letters.  It's a bit deep for me in some places, but, I've found that there are some good bits of wisdom to glean from it.  Without going into too much detail, I'll share the premise of the book.  Screwtape is a demon who is training his nephew, Wormwood, in the finer points of temptation - namely how to mislead and guide a soul away from God.   It's a little confusing at first because, in the book, the devil is referred to as "Our Father," and the "Enemy" is God.  Here's a quote that touches on where God wants our hearts to be when it comes to guilt. 

Even of [our] sins the Enemy (God) does not want [us] to think too much:  once they are repented, the sooner [we] turn [our] attention outward, the better the Enemy (God) is pleased.

I have to admit that I have been more motivated in my life by guilt than by grace.  I've carried guilt around  'til  it becomes a burden that is much too heavy to bear. There is hope, though, I believe. 
By grace I can learn to let go of the guilt and find an easier "yoke" to bear - the one Christ offers. 

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

Rest from guilt.  Is it even possible?  I'm beginning  to believe that, once we've repented of a sin, God wants us to let go of our shame and hold onto his hand of grace.  What makes you feel guilty?   What weighs you down with an unbearable sense of shame?  Maybe it's time to let it go.  Maybe it's time to believe that God's grace is bigger than our sins.  That, in Christ, He truly has removed them as far as the east is from the west. 

Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

You are free.  Now go and live like it. 

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

He [the devil] was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks his native tongue, for he is a liar and the father of lies.  John 8:44

Kind of an interesting verse to start out with, huh?  It's one that's been on my mind lately.  Mostly because I've begun to have this awareness that I tend to listen more to the lies of the devil than I do the truths of God.  It is so easy to become  entangled by  lies.  They're so much easier to fall for, so much easier to believe.  With every fiber of my being I fight to hold on to the truth, but it is not always an easy thing to do.

What are some of the lies I believe?  That God is dissapointed in me.  That he just barely tolerates me.  That I'm stupid, incapable, a simpleton.  These are just a few of the lies that I've fallen for throughout the course of my life. 

The thief  [the devil] comes only to kill and destroy;  I have come that [you] may have life and have it to the full. (John 10:10).

So the devil is a liar and a  thief.  Why then do I want to listen to and believe in what he has to say?  Well , in some ways, I feel like my brain has to be reprogrammed.   Since I was little I've been lied to, and, what's worse, I've believed most of the lies.  It is a daily battle to hold on to the truth.  Paul knew this when he penned this charge to the Ephesians;
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist.  Ephesians 6:14

So here's my challenge to you over the next several days. (Yes, now I'm making you do homework.)  Think about the lies that you've listened to and believed most of your life.  Lies about yourself, lies about others, lies about God.  Ask God to show you what some of those lies are, and, by his Spirit, begin to replace them with the truth - the truth that sets us free.  (John 8:32).  God's blessings upon your endeavor. 

crazy thorns

Having a hard time coming up with something to write about today.  One thing I worry about with this blog is that I'll run out of things to write about.  I remember before I was diagnosed bipolar, I was able to write nonstop and felt like my creativity was really, well, bursting at the seams.  After I got the diagnosis and was put on medications, I feared that the creative side of my brain would be forever changed - if not ruined.

In fact, one night I said to my husband, "I don't think I'll be as good a writer as I was."  He related a story about a certain opera singer who lost a ton of weight.  When she slimmed down, she was asked if it affected her performance.  Her comment?  I have to work twice as hard now as I did then.    I guess that story struck a chord with me.  Writing maybe doesn't come as naturally for me anymore.  But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing - I've just learned to work harder at it.  And in some ways I think I'm a better person because of it. 

On a slightly different note, I am really struggling with depression today.  I guess I should have seen it coming.  For the last few weeks I've felt really good (usually a sign that I'm a bit manic), but, inevitably the lows caught up with me and brought along my favorite friend - depression.  When I get depressed everything is more difficult for me.  For one thing, I don't even want to get out of bed.  It takes all the self-control I can muster just to stay on my feet and do what needs to be done.  If I could have my way, I'd take the mania over the depression anyday.  Being manic is so much more fun. 

Nope bipolar is no fun.  It is most definitely my "thorn in the flesh" - my greatest weakness.    The Apostle Paul addressed the issue of weaknesses in one of his letters to Corinth.  

(2 Corinthians 12:7)  To keep me from becoming conceited . . . there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 

Pretty depressing if you ask me.  But that wasn't the end of of things.  The letter goes on to say that Paul pleaded three times with the Lord to take the "thorn" away.  God's response?

(verse 9)  [H]e said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

So I guess I'll ask, what's your "thorn in the flesh?"  What keeps you from being all that you want to be?   Even though my thorn may be completely different from yours, I can  relate to some of the pain you go through. 

I don't know about you, but I hate my thorn.  I want to be free of the daily, weakly, monthly highs and lows that come along with my illness.  It's not easy to accept our thorns.  But, truth be told, I don't think we'll ever be completely rid of them until we reach our heavenly home.  So, in the meanwhile, we may as well go ahead and accept them;  accept them and believe that, in the grand scheme of things, they must serve a higher purpose . 
 
Leave you with this thought - from 2 Corinthians 4:7

[we] have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

No matter how much that stupid thorn may be irritating you, take heart.  God's power is made perfect in your weakness.   

the promise in a double rainbow

Saw a double rainbow the other night.  Actually, the kids discovered it first and pointed it out to me.  I've always loved rainbows - the reminder that God keeps his promises.  John, for his part, is scared to death of them.  The reason being is that first time we saw a double one was the night that I went psychotic and had to be hospitalized. 

Personally, I think God was reminding me that he was with me and had a plan for my life.  I clung to that thought in the midst of some of the most awful moments of my life.  Here's a description of what happened when I was put in the Crisis Center that first night. There were two guys there who I talked to a few times.  One was pretty much still living in a dream state.  The older of the two was possibly the one person who kept me believing that God was good.  Here's a description from Pools of Blessing about what happened the day I was released from the Crisis Center. 

There were a handful of people in the Crisis Center with me.  I really don’t recall having too much contact with anyone, but I do remember two people in particular.  They were both older men who seemed to be as confused as I was.  One of the guys pulled out a Bible and started talking to me about the “code.”  He opened to a page that was a reference about numbers.  At that point I could have continued to sink deeper and deeper into my psychotic state, but, for some reason, right at that moment, I made a conscious decision to ignore him.  I think it was God’s Spirit pointing the way out of the state I was in. 

The other guy, a dear man, had an obvious connection with God.  He didn’t talk about any codes, he just sang hymns, and talked to me a little bit about his faith.  At this point, my faith was being sorely tested.  I was beginning to realize that all of the delusions I was having about God, faith, religion, were just that, delusions.  There was a part of me, maybe most of me, that was ready to give up on faith all together.  How could God allow this horrible thing to happen?  How could he use religion, my faith, against me?  So when I was leaving I asked this guy whose name I don’t even know, but whose face I will never forget, to sing “Rock of Ages,” for me.

        Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

        let me hide myself in thee;

        let the water and the blood,

        from thy wounded side which flowed,

        be of sin the double cure;

        save from wrath and make me pure.

There were tears streaming down my face as I left the Crisis Center that day.  The words from “Rock of Ages” followed me down that long corridor leading me to a future that was so uncertain, so scary because I had no idea what it held for me.  From that point on I made the decision to keep putting my faith in God, to keep trusting him, believing that even through this, he was going to be my “rock.”   As I began to get better, I clung to the words from that hymn.  “Rock of Ages cleft for me.  Let me hide myself in Thee.”