Tough Times

 . . . it is very well worthwhile to be tormented for two or three years of one’s life, for the sake of being able to read all the rest of it. ~Jane Austen

 

Tormented. Strong word, huh? Tormented. I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life when that is exactly how I’ve felt; tormented. During those times God seemed to be in a land far, far away while I was left wandering in the desert, desperately searching for an oasis.

Pre-diagnosis days were truly tormenting. While I was stumbling through the darkness, I happened upon the above quote from Jane Austen. Her wording captured how I felt then and what I’ve learned about myself now. Though I hated the tough times, there were so many good things that came from them. 

When you’re suffering and God seems far off, it feels as though He doesn’t care, not one little bit. But I want to encourage you today to look at suffering a little bit differently, reflecting on what is really going on. 

Hebrews 12:10-11 For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always right and good for us because it means we will share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. (NLT) 

Those last two sentences truly said everything my thirsting soul needed to hear at the time. I clung to them like a drowning man grasping on to a life preserver. 

In this excerpt from Pools, I reflect back on how the worst times of my life were actually the most productive: 

“Basically it comes down to this. I am thankful that I am bipolar. No, you don’t need to get reading glasses, you read it correctly, I’m thankful to be bipolar. There are so many good things that have happened in my life as a result of this illness. A lot of it has been character development, learning to be hopeful, patient, humble, kind. All of these things are learned best, I believe, in the crucible of life, in the ‘Valley of Weeping.’” 

  

A week ago or so, we were meeting with our small group when this whole concept of trials came up. Many of us agreed that, though we hate them, the periods in our lives when our suffering has been most keen are the times we have clung to God and His Word like never before.

It’s in the good times that’s it’s easy to forget about God. So rejoice that you are struggling. God is doing a great work in your heart—a work that is making you, not only who you want to be, but, more importantly, who He wants you to be.

do the next thing

As I’ve been working on my memoir there are times when I’ve felt completely overwhelmed. It is such a huge process requiring time, dedication and hard work.

When I was a teacher I remember feeling that way as well. Each morning, I would go through my plans for the day and nearly panic at the thought of trying to get it all done. In fact, I often found myself feeling unequal to the tasks at hand. 

That’s when I learned something very important—four simple yet profound words that would be my guide and compass even on the busiest of days; Do the next thing. These words from Elizabeth Elliot forever changed the way I operated in the midst of overwhelming circumstances. 

Do the next thing. 

There’s so much wisdom in those four simple words. As a person who typically freaks out when I have too many things on my plate, this quote, time and again, has pulled me out of the fray. Simple, yet, stunningly powerful guidance: 

Do the next thing.

I can’t tell you how many times that straightforward instruction has gotten me through feeling so overwhelmed that I, literally, didn’t know where to start and, consequently, didn’t want to make a beginning of anything.

There’s a story in the Bible that also speaks to this feeling of being overwhelmed by one’s work. It’s the story of David who’s giving advice to his son, Solomon, who has been commissioned to build a temple for the Lord: 

Then David [said], Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the Temple of the Lord is finished correctly. (NLT)1 Chronicles 28:20

Very wise words spoken to a son who faced the seemingly insurmountable task of building a temple for the Lord—a task that would take seven years to complete. 

You see, David had passed along all of the instructions God had given him for the building of the temple. He knew that the time, commitment and dedication it was going to take might overwhelm his son, so he offered an expanded version of, “Do the next thing”; “Be strong and courageous and do the work.” 

Since I have no idea how hectic or overwhelming your day has been, or will be, let me offer you two pieces of advice. No matter how stressed out you may feel remember two important things; do the next thing and be strong and courageous and do the work. For me, it works like a charm every time.   

crazy kids

I am extremely frustrated with my kids. Yea, I know I’m preaching to the choir, but there it is, and I’m not going to sugar coat anything. They are driving me crazy. And it’s not the crazy that comes from being  bipolar. At least there’s a drug for that kind of crazy. 

My husband and I have been parents for almost eight years now—boy and girl. I remember, especially with our son, getting ready to leave the hospital, scared to death and having no idea what we were getting into. I kept waiting for the nurse to come in and deliver the manual—you know, the one that tells you everything you need to know about raising your child. Well, they didn’t bring it and that’s when I got the first clue that being a parent was going to be anything but easy. 

So in honor of my frustration, I’m choosing to tell you a few things about why my kiddos are driving me nuts these days. Yes, I know exposing all of the Meyer children’s misbehavior sets us up for worst parents of the year award. But let’s go there anyway.

1) My daughter still wears “night-night” underwear. She’s five. And in kindergarten. I know that many older children struggle with wetting their beds, but here’s the problem with the whole scenario. A couple of times we’ve caught her going in that pull-up when she’s wide awake. What the heck? There is at least one positive spin to this problem. As my husband points out, wearing “night-night” underwear when she’s a teenager will definitely limit her dating life. 

2) Here’s another one, the kids will be playing quietly or having some screen time when ring, ring, ring someone calls. I kid you not, within seconds of being on the phone, my kids go from playing quietly to arguing and shouting at the top of their lungs. Worse yet, when I lock the door to my safe haven, the bathroom, they pull the old bang on the door thing Bam! Bam! Bam! like there’s an urgent matter that needs to be addressed. 

3) This leads me to number three. Our kids have way too much screen time. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but every time I attempt to limit or take screen time away, they start driving me crazy. It’s then that I remember why I let them have screen time in the first place. 

4) I hate being judged. In public. Like people staring at you as your toddler plays the best trick ever—magically becoming a wet noodle during one of her worst tantrums—making it impossible to carry the stinker out without making a huge commotion. 

5) The seemingly constant arguing and bickering. My kids can be calmly and quietly playing together, even having fun, when the situation suddenly turns on a dime. Chaos ensues and I have no idea where I put the spanking spoon. Just kidding. Kind of. 

6) There are no easy answers. You know I joked about the hospital giving out manuals. Well, in a lot of ways, I wish they would, because these days it feels like I need one more than ever.

I am going to be serious for just a moment here, people. Parenting isn’t easy. I’m not perfect. The kids aren’t perfect. In fact, there is no such thing as the perfect parent. And anyone who tells you otherwise is just plain delusional. When it comes to parenting, there are no easy answers. Each child is special and unique and what works for one kid, doesn’t necessarily work for the other. 

Perfect parenting, there’s no such thing. But problem-solving-parenthood—like admitting mistakes and moving on, or giving yourself grace when you feel you’ve royally screwed up. Yea, I’ll take that kind of parenting nine days out of ten. (Actually I’ll take it all ten days.) Even if problem-solving-parenthood isn’t in the instruction manual, I’ll take it. But seriously, are hospitals really not handing those things out yet because, honestly, I would pay top dollar for that.

why depression sucks

I have made mention of the fact that despite having the bipolar diagnosis, I have been doing well in life. For the last six years or so, I’ve been very stable—experiencing very few bumps in the road. 

Ironically enough, though my blog is titled craziness uncensored, I have never actually sat down and wrote about why I call it that. And that got me to thinking that I have never actually written about what the bipolar disorder is. Let me clear that up.

Bipolar is a state where one’s mood can swing from mania to deep depression. It used to be referred to as manic depressive disorder (personally, I prefer this label because it defines the disease from the get-go.) So you fluctuate through this mood from mania to depression back and forth like a pendulum swinging from high to low to high to low.

As far as my experiences go with it, I’ve gone through the highest of highs (mania) and the lowest of lows (deep depression). The depression I’m writing about isn’t like a normal depression. It doesn’t really depend on what situation I’m in. It’s not about being upset, or discouraged or frustrated with life. 

To describe it so that it makes more sense, being deeply depressed is like carrying a ball and chain with me wherever I go. Whatever I do is made ten times more difficult. In fact, just getting out of bed every morning is a chore. Quite frankly, it sucks—like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. 

So can I be quite honest here? I used to love being manic. Mania felt so good, like I was on top of the world, invincible, and in the happiest of moods. But I’ve learned there’s a dark side to the mania. I know that when I’m manic, depression is just around the corner waiting to pounce—dragging me back into that all too familiar pit of despair.  

As I’ve written above, I have been very stable for the last six years. Very few extreme highs or lows. I credit that stability to being on the right “cocktail” of meds. 

But a couple of weeks ago, an unwelcome visitor arrived bringing with it all kinds of baggage. It punched me in the gut out of nowhere—depression. And when it set in, I began to worry. It had been so long since I’d felt this poorly. This bout of depression scared me. Just the thought of heading back down that road of deep despair made me want to weep.

So I went to see my psychiatrist and she upped one of my meds to “bump me out of my depression”. And boy, did it ever bump me up. For a couple of days, I felt great. Life was amazing. But all good things must come to an end, and the expected crash happened reminding me of why I hate my diagnosis. 

You see, these days I’m not looking for mania so much. No, now, I prefer stable. No high highs and no low lows—just middle of the road is all right by me. Simply put, I do not want to go back to pre-diagnosed days. It was hell. Honestly, I know no other way to describe it. 

In the end, I know I must trust the God who holds all of my days in his hand and wisely gives them one by one. I have to remember the promise that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. And, quite frankly, I need to carry on the best I can waiting for the day when I will get back to the middle of the road.