On Vacation

To write or not to write, that is the question.  The family and I are on a "stay-cation.", so I will get back to writing next week.  So enjoy sharing my thoughts with others.  Thanks for being willing to read and giving me encouragement along the way.  God Bless.

Binding up a Broken Heart

Isaiah 61:1  The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. 

What part of the above verse can you most relate to?  Do you need to hear a little preaching that brings good news.  Are you brokenhearted?  Does something hold you captive?  Do you feel like your locked up in prison waiting to be released?  I think all of us could relate to some part of the above verse. 

The part that jumps out to me?  Being brokenhearted.  There are  many ways I've had my heart broken over time.  When my grandma passed away - my first experience of death.  When a boy I was dating cheated on me.  When my mom had her second stroke.  When my parents divorced.  When I was hospitalized in a state of severe mania.  And those things don't even begin to touch the surface.  Yea, there's no shortage of examples when it comes to talking about my broken heart.

I'm sure you could share many of your own brokenhearted experiences.  But it's comforting to know that their is an answer for every broken piece of our hearts.  Jesus.  He's the one the above scripture is referring to.  He's the one who's going to bind us up and bring healing even out of our pain. 

For every bad thing that has come into my life, I can share with you dozens of reasons for why it's turned out for my good.  Take, for example, the day I was hospitalized.  It was without a doubt the worst experience of my life.  As I mentioned I was in a state of severe mania.  But that isn't the whole picture.  I was so manic that I was psychotic.  If you don't understand what that means the best way I can describe it is to say it's like being in a dream state, only you're not asleep, you're awake.  It's kind of like a waking nightmare. 

When I started to come out of my mania I knew that something horrible had happened, but I didn't really know what it was.  I spent two days in the Crisis Center in Lincoln and then another week in the psychiatric ward at Bryan LGH.  In that time I was questioning God like I never had before. 

But looking back I am so thankful to have gone through that experience when I did.  Number one - because I finally had a diagnosis for what was wrong with me.  Now I could get the right help and be put on the right medication.  Number two - it strengthened my marriage like nothing else but a crisis can do.  Thirdly, it happened before I had my first child.  If I wouldn't have been diagnosed when I was, there's no telling what would have happened if I'd had a child in the picture. 

The book that I'm writing now is called Pools of Blessing.  I'll explain later in the book why it's called that.  But basically for me it's about how God took something so horrific in my life and turned it into the biggest blessing I could have asked for.  I'm healthy now.  I've learned how to cope better with my illness.  No, everything isn't always peachy keen, but life is so much better than it used to be.  I feel like some of my broken heart has, indeed, been bound up.  I can't wait to get to heaven where all my broken pieces will come back together for good.  Under the care of the best Physician ever,  Jesus, my broken heart will be made whole again.

A Messy Mess

This is just a silly poem I wrote at one point in my life when I felt particularly down about my sinful yuckiness.  Anyway, not much creativity coming out of this brain today, but maybe you'll enjoy this.  I am writing a book about my experiences with mental illness.  Over time I'll be sharing parts of it on my blog.  Just FYI. 

A Mess

Messy, messy, messy, messy.

That’s how I feel right now.

And I wish that I could be

Clean, clean, clean, clean.

But feelings aren’t facts.

God says

that I’m sparkling and shiny.

So why is it,

That I feel like such a mess?

Really, if I was a kid I’d be

Covered in play dough right now.

Or if I was a pig,

I’d be

Up to my snout

in slime.

If I was a raccoon,

I’d be rooting in the garbage.

Or if I was a fish,

I’d be one of the

Scum-sucking bottom dwellers.

Anyway, that’s how I feel.

But feelings aren’t facts.

I’m whiter than snow.

Cleaner than the angels

Shining like gold

 And smelling like a rose.

So why do I feel so messy?

Yucky, dingy, gross,

Want to jump out of

My own skin nasty.

If I was a turtle

I’d be turned upside down.

If I  was a whale,

 I’d be beached.

If I was a unicorn,

I wouldn’t have any horn.

And if I was a duck,

I wouldn’t float.

But God says

I’m fresh as a meadow

after a spring rain.

Cleaner than my

Bar of soap.

Brighter than sunshine

Reflecting off snow.

Yes, I am clean,

cleaner than I’d

ever hoped for.

I’ve been washed in

The blood of the Lamb.

Death or Sleep?

1 Corinthians15: 54-55  (NLT) When . . . our earthly bodies have been transformed into heavenly bodies that will never die - then at last the scriptures will come true:

Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory

O death, where is your sting?

 

Anyone who's lost a loved one knows the sting of death.  Whether its watching a loved one die in an agonizingly slow way, or losing someone you love unexpectedly, death is never easy to swallow.  My first experience with death was my grandmother's.   When I was in the seventh grade we lost her to Alzheimer's.  Watching her bear the brunt of the disease was painful enough, but I wasn't prepared for the rush of emotions that came over me when she passed away.   I remember lying in bed at night, staring at the clock, trying to wrap my brain around the fact that she was gone.  Months later, as my heart began to heal, I experienced feelings of guilt - guilt over the fact that life was moving on, that I wasn't missing her as much, that I was even beginning to forget what she looked like.  To feel happy again felt like a betrayal.

There's one place I like to go when it comes to finding comfort over the death of a loved one;  the Bible, God's Word.  What I like best about the Bible's interpretation of death is that it's often referred to as sleep.   I don't know about you, but I can handle sleep.  To be asleep means that someday one will wake up.

There are two instances in the gospels when Jesus refers to death as sleep;  when he raises Jairus's daughter (Luke 8:52) and when he raises Lazarus. (Luke 11:11)   In fact, when he is telling the disciples that Lazarus has "fallen asleep," he assures them that he is going to "wake him up."  What a cool way to think about death - a mere nap.  The first time this understanding hit me was when I was teaching VBS to a group of first graders.  We were reading about Stephen's persecution and stoning and at the end of the account, the Bible records that "When [Stephen] had said this, he fell asleep."  (Acts 7:60)

This idea of being asleep seems so much better than the finality of death.  My dad died a few years back, and I miss him very much.  But it's comforting to know that he's not dead - he's asleep.    It puts a smile on my face just to write about it.

Yes, we're all going to die someday, but when you think about death the way the Bible does, it doesn't seem quite so scary.  Kinda has some of the "bite" taken out of it.   As for me, I've always liked taking a good, long nap.  Waking up all refreshed and rested is one of the best parts.  So, in some ways, you could say I'm looking forward to my "last nap. "  Seems like it'll be the best one yet.      

Parenting 101

Before I had kids some friends of mine threw me a baby shower.  One of the "activities" they had my guests do was to give advice on raising kids. I received three invaluable pieces of advice that have stuck with me to this day.

My dear Aunt who is a very wise woman shared this with me;   Remember your child is a gift entrusted to you to train and nuture as only you can do!  Keep the end goal in mind when you're struggling with the day-to-day. 

Keeping the end goal in mind is the most difficult when you're stuck in the yucky, mucky mess of everyday life.  It's so easy to become shortsighted "seeing" only what's in the moment rather than taking a step back and realizing that there is, though it seems so far off, a finish line.  Not that we will ever stop being mom and dad.  But there WILL come a day when it will be time to push our little ones out of the nest. That's when what we have done from day to day will matter most.  It's as if these two little ones who have been given to us are empty vessels.  All the little moments of cuddling, loving, correcting, training, disciplining are being poured into them drop by drop.  My hope  is that we send them out into the world full - ready to serve, love, work and be "beacons of light" pointing the way to Jesus.

Another good friend shared this advice;  Where no oxen are the manger is clean, but much increase comes from the strength of the oxen.  Pretty wise stuff.  Since I am a clean freak, or at least was before two kids came into the picture, this was some wisdom that was much appreciated and needed.  There are days I wish the house was spotless;  days when I long to do anything but clean the kitchen one more time, fold another load of clothes, or vaccum the floor.  On the days when I'm tripping over toys I have to remember that parenting is messy, but it's a good messy.  A messy that has purpose.    Doubtless, my house would be spotless if I lived in my own little world.  But what would be the fun in that?  I would miss out on so much;  so much love, laughter, joy, and all the memories that go along with these.  Would I trade all this for a clean house?  Not a chance.

Some last advice?  One valuable thing you can show your child is humility - a willingness to admit fault and ask forgiveness.  Sounds strange to be apologizing to your child, but there have been times when I've blown up, only to feel serious regret over it.  This advice often comes to mind in situations like these.  I think it IS okay, even healthy, for my kids to know that grown-ups make mistakes, too.  What's more, I like the idea that they learn the value of forgivness.  When we say "sorry" to each other in our family, the expected response is, "I forgive you."  It's a great way to teach our kids that letting go of anger is as much for one's own benefit as for the other person's.

So, parenting advice 101.  You can take it or leave it.  In my own experience these three pieces of advice have been invaluable.  Hope you can find some wisdom in them too.