again, please don't be crazy.

So, yes I'm cheating by re-posting an earlier entry, but this one has been at the forefront of my mind and heart lately. While all the talk about gun control and changes that need to be made to gun laws are important, there is another major issue that needs to be addressed; treating the mentally ill who are often the hands, faces, and minds behind these heinous crimes. These are the people who need a brother, somewhere, to "be their keeper." In the midst of all the arguing and debating, don't turn a blind eye to a major piece of solving the puzzle; getting help for the mentally ill. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

In light of the tragedy in a Colorado movie theater and the recent news story about Jared Lee Loughner, the man who shot congresswoman, Gabby Giffords, injured twelve others, and killed six, I feel that there is an issue, an ensuing crisis in our country that needs to be addressed. I believe it’s a crisis of magnificent proportions and, unless we take action now, all signs indicate that this crisis is only going to get worse. My views on these recent shootings may not be popular but here goes.

The event that spurred me to write this entry was the court proceedings that took place this past week in which Loughner appeared before a judge and pleaded guilty to nineteen of the forty-nine crimes he was charged with. For the most part this decision was favorably received because it meant that the victims and their families would be spared an agonizing trial. Gabby Giffords and her husband, Mark Kelly, said in a statement, “that [they] were satisfied with the proposed plea agreement.”

This hearing was much different than the one that took place in May, 2011. On that day, Loughner was removed from court after an outburst in which the Arizona Republic quoted him as saying, “Thank you for the free kill. She died in front of me. Your cheesiness.” At this point Loughner still believed he had killed Giffords.

But on this August day, 2012 the Judge presiding, Larry A. Burns had this to say about the change in Loughner’s manner and presence, “He is a different person in his appearance and his effect than when I first laid eyes on him.”

Clearly something had changed. The federal psychologist appointed to this case, Dr. Christina Pietz, commented on these changes. “Loughner is severely mentally ill, one of the worst I’ve treated. But I believe he can function in the general population.” What was the change?  Medication. In fact, Loughner’s treatment was stopped at one point to ensure that he was not being forcibly medicated. But after another incident in July 2011, prison officials decided to require the medication again. This time the 9^th circuit court upheld the decision to medicate him.

Pietz saw Loughner nearly every day and described the changes that had taken place, “At first he thought he had killed Giffords. However, after time, Loughner began to express remorse.” ‘I especially cried about the child,’  Pietz quoted him as saying about Christina-Taylor Green. Loughner told Pietz that he “deserved the death penalty and that he realized the consequences of his actions.”

There were signs that Loughner struggled with mental illness long before the shooting incident. Based on his journal, Pietz concluded that he had shown signs of depression since 2006 and may have developed symptoms of schizophrenia in his junior year of high school. Classmates at Pima Community College described him as a strange and eccentric student; professors spoke of his “disorganized thought process,” Dr. Pietz said.

The NY Times reported that Loughner’s parents testified that at one point he asked them if they could hear the same voices he had been hearing. In written answers to her questions, his parents told Pietz they were worried he would kill himself. In videos he made, Mr. Loughner said that, he, “felt depressed, and that he had the urge to kill someone.”

Clearly, Loughner was struggling with both schizophrenia and depression, but once he began a treatment, he was a completely different person. You may be thinking that all I’m doing in this entry is defending a horrible monster. In actuality, I’m not. I’m remembering those who were victims of his rampage.

You see, I was a person who was capable of doing horrific things in a state of undiagnosis. I've shared often that pre-diagnosis I frequently considered suicide, but that's not the whole story. The night I was hospitalized I went psychotic and, in that state, who knows what I might have done. But for the grace of God maybe that jail cell could have been mine.

Which leads me to a question. Why do you suppose so many people who commit crimes of this magnitude are known to have struggled with some form of mental illness? It’s not coincidence, folks. It’s a pattern; one that’s occurring all too often. Locking the mentally ill up after the crime has been committed may be a short-term solution, but in the long run wouldn’t it be better to get these people help before it’s too late. Randy Gardner, who was one of Loughner’s victims decried the lack of mental-health care for people like Loughner saying, “We really have to be our brother’s keeper here and reach out and get them help.”

I couldn’t agree more. I believe that many crimes such as these are preventable. I can say this with confidence because medication has literally saved my life. Much like Judge Burns described Loughner as being “a different person,” that is how I feel about myself. For me going off meds isn't even an option. I know what my life was like before I took them. It was, awful, horrible, a dark place that I never want to go back to.

Here’s the deal folks; mental illness is real. It is ugly. And, unless it’s dealt with beforehand, it can be lethal. In the end it’s about being our brother’s keeper; getting help for the mentally ill, but it’s also about ensuring that there will be no more innocent victims like Christina-Taylor Green.

 

death stares us in the face

I received bad news from my hometown this past week. One of my mom’s former colleagues died tragically while on a canoeing trip. When I read the article concerning the accident, it was hard to believe that he was gone. Just like that. What hit home for me most was that this man, this fifty year old, died so unexpectedly. 

The news brought with it a sense of the finality of death. Life flashes by so quickly. You never know which day will be your last. Accidents happen, cancer happens, diseases happen. And in the midst of the pain and grief it’s easy to wonder if God even cares about our suffering and loss. But when I look at all that Jesus did when he lived on this earth, I have to believe that God cares. 

¹² A funeral procession was coming out as [Jesus] approached the village gate. The young man who had died was a widow’s only son, and a large crowd from the village was with her. ¹³ When the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. “Don’t cry!” he said. ¹⁴ Then he walked over to the coffin and touched it, and the bearers stopped. “Young man,” he said, “I tell you, get up.” ¹⁵ Then the dead boy sat up and began to talk! And Jesus gave him back to his mother. Luke 7:11-17 (NLT)

Jesus’s heart overflowed with compassion for this widow, as did his Father’s. Remember that time when Jesus said anyone who has seen him has also seen the Father? Rest assured, Jesus’ love for that widow was a mirror of his Father’s love. 

When bad things happen, it’s easy to rail against God, believing the worst of lies; that He doesn’t care; He’s detached from our lives; He just lets cruel things happen to people to keep us all in line. 

But consider the stories about Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Jesus’ friends, his good friends. One of the last stories we hear of them in the Bible is one of the most extraordinary tales ever told. 

When Jesus is told that Lazarus is sick, he doesn’t run full speed to save his friend. In fact, the story reads that after he received the news, he stayed where he was for two more days. What a way to treat your friends, right? How could Jesus do this to those who were so close to him? 

But you see, God had a bigger plan a better plan--one that involved the death of someone Jesus loved. Out of Lazarus’ death many good things were about to happen--including the fact that many who saw Jesus raise Lazarus would put their faith in him. Not to mention the fact that Jesus revealed his power—his Father’s power over death.

There is one portion of this story that truly intrigues me. If Jesus knew he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, why did he cry? You remember it, the shortest verse in the Bible; Jesus wept. I’ve always wondered this; why did Jesus cry even though he knew that in a matter of moments, he was going to bring Lazarus back to life. I think it’s this part of the story that gives us a good peek into the love and compassion God truly has for us all.

³³ When Jesus saw [Mary] weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he ^uwas deeply moved⁵ in his spirit and ^vgreatly troubled. ³⁴ And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” ^35 wJesus wept. John 11:33-35 (ESV)

That short but sweet little verse gives a pretty good glimpse into our Father’s heart. You see, I don’t think Jesus was weeping because Lazarus was dead. As I stated, he knew he was going to raise him to life. I think the real reason Jesus cried was because he hurt for his friends. Some translations read that Jesus was indignant. Death was never supposed to happen; it wasn’t part of the Maker’s plan. 

My heart hurts for the families that experience the death of a lost one. I understand the pain that they’re going through. If I can hurt like that, think about how much our Father hurts for His people whose hearts are aching. Though it’s difficult to understand the reasons why, we can trust the One who sent His son to suffer and die so that we wouldn’t face an eternity without Him. That’s the joy of eternal life. That’s the joy of heaven, a place where there will be no more death, or crying, or pain. Even though your heart is breaking, trust in him—the One who will wipe every tear from our eyes. He cares. He really does.

⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4 (NLT)

a crazy journal

Psalm 90:15 Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good.

I know my blog entries have slowed down. Now that my kids are on summer break, they are truly my priority. I’m trying to make the most of having them at home, especially since my little girl will be in kindergarten next year. So, for now, expect fewer entries, but look for more to come in the fall.

Moving on

Yesterday, I found a journal in my bedside stand that truly intrigued me. Over the years, I’ve written many journals, but what made this one so interesting was the fact that it was the journal I wrote in before and after I was diagnosed bipolar. Even though I’ve only read a handful of the entries, something about them has caught my attention. 

In the years before I was diagnosed, I had lots of ups and downs--a fact that was made clear even in the few entries I read. Since it’s a good peek into what was going on in my life at the time, I wanted to share a couple of the entries. They were written shortly after I was diagnosed—a time that was completely scary and confusing, a time when I was just beginning to understand the monster that had clung to me for so long—bipolar.

6/16/04

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. I finally understand that maybe it wasn’t my fault, maybe something’s been wrong inside and I just couldn’t fix it. Lord help my mind. Make me whole. Let the doctors put me on the right meds. May my friends not think less of me, but be encouraged by my example. In Jesus’ name.

6/21/04

Oh Lord, hear the cries of my heart. I don’t want to be bipolar. I just want to be normal. I don’t even know what that means. Please guide me. In Jesus’ name. Amen

7/01/04

Why am I so hard on myself? I’m frustrated and depressed right now. Lord, save me. Don’t let me drown in this today. I’m afraid my meds are going to make me, not me. Lord reassure me. I have a big lump in my throat, and mostly, I just don’t understand. Why does life have to be so difficult and frustrating? Help.

Though I don’t miss much about going undiagnosed, one thing I do miss is how much I clung to God and His word at that point in time. I had this sense of urgency that brought me back to scripture time and again. It was like a fountain to my parched soul--the only place I could go to receive hope and renewed faith. 

So, if you struggle with any type of mental illness or disorder this post is for you. I want you to know that God has been faithful to keep all of His promises—each and every one. Don’t give up. There is hope even in the midst of the darkest valley. Remember that. There is hope. Most importantly of all, trust the One who keeps his promises—to replace the evil years with good and give you gladness in proportion to your former misery. He’s done it for me; I hope and pray you will trust Him to do it for you, too.

crazy money

This week I was all set to write about Beatitude Number Two. But I’m going to change plans for a good reason. Money. I don’t know about you, but it is a subject that can consume me. Over the years, my obsessions about money have subsided, but the worry that we won’t have enough can still be a thorn in my flesh. 

This past weekend, I went to the emergency room and then stayed overnight in the hospital. I am fine, which is the good news. The bad news? I’ve started to worry about money again. It has been eight years since I’ve brought home a paycheck. My kids, managing my house, that’s been my job. And though I love it and feel hugely blessed to have been able to do it, I worry. 

Thankfully, we haven’t been in want for anything. Lately though, we’ve had some major expenses and, now this, a visit to the emergency room, a night spent in the hospital. All I can think about is how are we going to be able to pay for everything.

I know I’m preaching to the choir, and that many of you face even more serious financial crises, so I guess this week, I’m writing as much for you as for myself.

You know what I find ironic. In God We Trust. Yup, that one simple caption printed on each and every American Dollar. Here’s why I think it’s ironic. Every time I pull a bill out of my wallet, I read that familiar heading. Does it give me comfort, relief, encouragement? Nope, because deep down inside it’s not God in whom I trust, it’s the money—that simple piece of paper that really has no power to save me. 

In Matthew 6:24 Jesus teaches an important lesson about money. 

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. (NIV) 

Let’s go back to that emergency room visit. As I lay in that hospital bed, I clung to the verse above as well as an obscure little verse in Psalm 50. 

Psalm 50:10 For all the animals of the forest are mine, and I own the cattle on a thousand hills. (NLT)

Seems like a strange verse to cleave to in the midst of the temptation to fret, but here’s why I thought of it. It seems to me that if God owns every animal in the forest and the cattle on a thousand hills, His arm is not too short to save me. 

I pray this strange verse reaches out and gives you the hope it did me. Whatever financial crisis you face; medical bills piling up, a mortgage you can’t afford, debt up to your eyeballs, trust in the One who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He cares dear ones, He cares. 

And next time you pull out a bill--be it a ten, twenty, hundred, whatever, look at the caption, ‘In God We Trust.’ Then do some soul-searching and figure out what or whom you really do trust in--a simple piece of paper or the Lord of all creation. Because, dear ones, it can't be both.

poor in spirit

Today, I was thinking about how much I want to know and understand God. I know that God is good and fair and just, but what does that mean? In other words, what’s God like? Does he have a favorite food? Does he even eat food? What does he spend most of his time thinking about? And what kind of work is he doing in heaven? I guess I just really want to understand the very nature of God.

Jesus told his disciples that if they knew him, then they knew the Father, because he and the Father are one. In search of satisfying my curiosity about God, I decided to go to the beatitudes. Seems like as good a place as any to find out more about who God is, and, hopefully, learn more about his very heart. 

For the next several weeks, I’m going to meditate on the beatitudes in the hopes of learning more about our amazing God. Without further ado, I give you Beatitude Number One. 

Matthew 5:3 Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. NIV

It’s tempting to think that this verse is about being poor. It is. But not the kind of poor we think of. The poor in spirit are those who realize that they can’t save themselves; those who look to Jesus’ work on the cross and know that it was he who earned their salvation.  

I think the NLT version makes this point even clearer.

Matthew 5:3 God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them.

This is Christianity 101. Thinking that you can get into heaven because you’re good enough just won’t cut it. Because, well mostly, we’re not that good, not really. It reminds me of Jesus’ parable about the wedding feast. As the story goes, a guest arrives in his own clothing rather than wearing the wedding clothes that the host has provided. 

Matthew 22:11-12 But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. “Friend,” he asked, “how did you get in here without wedding clothes?” The man was speechless.

Maybe this man was speechless because he’d known all along what clothes he needed to wear, but he decided to come to the feast on his own terms. The host had no choice but to throw him out. To us it may seem harsh, but to God it’s the truth. If we try to enter heaven with our “good works” they will never be enough. We will never be enough. 

I have to admit that there have been times that I’ve felt pretty self-righteous. It’s a real temptation to want to get to heaven on my own merit. But in knowing the truth, the truth that sets us free, there’s some relief. A big sigh. A thank goodness I don’t have to be left out of the heavenly wedding feast. I even get a new set of clothes to wear--Christ’s righteousness.  After all, as one who is poor in spirit, the kingdom of heaven belongs to me. And just in case you’re wondering, in Christ, the kingdom of God is yours, too.