those crazy grudges

Hello to all!  I had my 20^th high school reunion this past week.  It was fun and also eye-opening in one important way. But I’ll save that for later.

Have you ever had an internal “fight” with someone?   What I mean is this.  Have you ever been mad at someone or thought someone was mad at you, and in that state of bitterness, anger, or unforgiveness done the one thing you ought not to have done – avoided talking to them.  Confrontation, yup that good old word confrontation.  You may hate the idea, but consider the alternative - living a lifetime without ever clearing up the situation.  Sounds silly I know, but I have a confession to make.  I let twenty years pass holding a grudge against someone - someone I thought I’d forgiven.  Mind you, I consider myself a fairly forgiving person.  In this situation, however, I was anything but.

So here’s what happened.  My junior year of high school I invited a guy in my class to go to our fall formal.  (It was the kind of dance when girls asked out the guys).  I didn’t really know this person very well, but two of my closest friends and I decided to ask three guys who were themselves good friends.  That way we could all have fun together.  Anyway, the guy I asked wasn’t necessarily a friend, more like an acquaintance.  But I asked anyway in accordance with our plan. 

When this particular guy came to pick me up, I was mildly uncomfortable – we just didn’t know each other very well. As we stood barely touching for the pictures my parents took, my face blushed the faintest red.  This was embarrassing. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning of my discomfiture.  Let’s just say picture time turned out to be the highlight of the night.  After that, things went downhill considerably.

 My date and I spent most of the evening barely glancing at each other, let alone talking. The night seemed to drag on and on, and the ending was anything but happy.  You see, I got ditched.  Don’t exactly remember the details.  But somewhere in between the time the official dance ended and the unofficial partying began, the guy split.  Leaving me alone and feeling completely mortified. 

Flash forward

It’s nineteen years later and as I add old high school acquaintances as friends on facebook, I notice that this guy, the one who ditched me, is also on facebook.  Do I friend him, no?  Do I continue to hold a grudge against him, yes.  After all, he left me – how dare he.  When this could have been an opportunity to make things right, I simply let my bitter feelings simmer just a bit more.  Yes, you got it, after twenty years I still felt  resentment against him. No way I was going to friend him after what he did to me. 

Flash forward a year later – My twentieth high school reunion. 

I’m preparing to meet old friends, rivals, even enemies and which “enemy” seems to float across the screen of my brain the most – “James” - the guy who left me.  The moment I saw him I thought, “Good.  Now he’ll see what a great person I turned out to be, and he’ll be embarrassed.”  The funny thing is, that weekend I found out the true story, the real story straight from the horse’s, or in this case James’ mouth.  The reason, the real reason he left me that night?  He thought we were related. Yup, you heard it right – he thought we were related.  Sheds a whole new light on the story doesn’t it? 

Want to hear some more surprising details.  How, you might be thinking, did I figure this out?  Because the night of the reunion he told not only one good friend of mine, but another as well about what had happened that night.  The whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Not only that, but he told them how badly he felt about the whole thing.  After twenty years, he still remembered it.  He still felt badly about it.  He didn’t ditch me because I was a loser or looked horrendous in my dress.  He ditched me because he thought we were related.  Case closed.

Want to know how I felt after I’d learned the “rest of the story”.  Embarrassed and relieved all at the same time.  Mostly embarrassed.  How in the world could I have let things get out of hand like this?  And really, it all boils down to just one problem.  I never asked.  I think if I had, neither of us would have carried this regret around with us for all these years.

So the moral of this story is ask, just ask.  If you think someone’s angry with you, or you harbor a grudge against them, talk to them.  It’s so much easier than carrying around a load of guilt or a bitter heart for twenty years - or what could turn out to potentially be a lifetime. 

Want to know how I know all of this?  Because I’ve started to do something I didn’t have the guts to do in high school, I ask.  Whether I think someone’s upset with me or feel wronged by someone – I ask.  I talk.  I confront.  And you want to know the funniest part?  It works.  Nine times out of ten it’s a miscommunication, or a down-right lie that I’ve believed.  Talking to them is like opening a curtain in a dark and dusty room.  The moment the light shines in, the truth is revealed, and all the lies scatter like dust.  So, if you are harboring a grudge or a load of guilt – talk to that person.  I promise you it works, it really does. 

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled  to your brother; then come and offer your gift.