Aaahhh, sweet sleep, why do you elude me?

It's 1:11 am.  Do you know where your pillow is?  Apparently, I do not.  Another crazy story to add to all the craziness going on in this blog.  I am having trouble urinating.  Nice way to start out a blog, wouldn't you say?  I've been having this trouble off and on for about 6-8 weeks.  Tomorrow, I go in to have an ultrasound done to make sure everything is physically okay with my bladder, kidneys etc.  I'm not really worried that there will be something wrong.  I'm more worried that there won't be something wrong. See, the problem is that I feel most of this issue is in my head.  I sit down to pee and it doesn't come out, so I get anxious.  Let's say I try about 30 minutes later, same problem.  Now the anxiety part is really kicking in.  The more anxious I become, the harder it becomes to urinate, the harder it becomes to urinate, the more anxious I become.  And . . . I think you can see where I'm going with this.   Talk about crazy!  When I go through something like this, I always try to remind myself that God's in control, that He will get me through this.  But, to be quite frank, God sometimes doesn't act quickly enough for me.  Why do things always have to be on His terms, anyway?  Okay, I'm not trying to spew out bitterness, just sharing some random thoughts.  The truth of the matter is, is that I feel that this is my fault.  That's the thing about mental illness - it's just so easy to feel that being mentally ill is your fault - that you're too weak to handle your own body, particularly your own brain.  I know that's how I feel sometimes, and I wonder how many other people out there  feel the same way.  If you're one of them, and you're up at 1:23 am - write me back, would ya?  I could use some company, and my pillow just doesn't seem to be doing it tonight.