Anxiety, Part 2

My son is laying on the kitchen floor asking me how long I'll be "working."  He keeps asking me over and over, "Are you done yet?  Are you done?  Is the time up?"  With gritted teeth, I respond, "If you keep bothering me, it will take me longer to finish."   Aahhh, sweet silence.


2 Corinthians 12:9b-10 Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me . . . For when I am weak then I am strong. 

I was thinking about my weaknesses of character today.  My whole issue with the peeing thing has been resolved, for those of you who were wondering.  I've been to a couple of doctors, and there's nothing physically wrong.  I kinda had that feeling all along.  Basically, I need to relax more than anything and just let it go. (No pun intended.)  Okay, I know this a strange way to start a blog entry, but, after all  this blog is called craziness uncensored.  But, I do have a point in sharing all of this.  Basically, I feel like what this whole issue boils down to is anxiety.  Anxiety, is a huge weakness for me.  Being bipolar, it seems to come  with the territory. 

One thing I've reflected on, while going through this episode, is that part of my anxiety stems from the anger I feel toward myself - anger for not being able to control my anxiety.  I blame myself for not resolving this problem, for not being able to "make things better."  And I'm beginning to realize that this (beating myself up) is exactly the approach I should NOT be taking.  I think I need to accept the fact that I am an anxious person.  It is my "thorn in the flesh" so to speak.  And while I can't control it, I can learn to live with this weakness and, in some ways, see it as a strength.

You see, I think we're all struggling with some kind of "thorn in the flesh."  Addiction, illness, disease, a handicap of one sort or another - anything that keeps us from being the ideal person we'd like to be, the perfect person you might say.  Well, one thing I've come to realize is that nobody is perfect.  Sorry for stating the obvious.  But sometimes instead of grieving our weaknesses, we need to embrace them.  They do serve a purpose, I believe.  They're given to remind us that we do need God, we can't make it on our own, we can only be made whole in him.  Our God is a God of paradoxes isn't he?   When we are weak, then we are strong?  Sometimes it's hard to understand how that can be.

One last story to share.  When I was a little girl, I'd sit in my Grandpa's lap.  He'd play a game that I absolutely hated.  He'd take my hands, make fists with them, and with his hands holding mine, he'd  pretend to punch me.  While doing this he'd say, over and over again, "Why are you hitting yourself, why do you keep hitting yourself."  That picture has stayed with me to this day.  Why am I hitting myself?  Yes, I have weaknesses.  Yes, I hate them.  And yes, I'm afraid of them.  But rather than being afraid, I think it's time to  accept myself, weaknesses and all.   It's time to stop playing the game; I never liked it in the first place.