Always start an entry thinking I have nothing to say. I think you've all realized that by the time I get into it, something is definitely on my mind. Funny how that happens. Yesterday, I woke up feeling pretty okay, but about an hour or so into my day, depression struck. It just hit me out of nowhere - wham, like a baseball bat to the head. In the whole scheme of the bipolar life, I would way rather deal with a manic episode than a bout of depression. After all, when I'm manic it feels good, I feel good, life feels good. I'm flying high. The only bad thing about these highs? The lows are inevitably going to follow. So I bounce from one extreme to the other, especially when my bipolar is getting out of control. Don 't get me wrong, I am much more stable than I've ever been. Right meds, right dosages, feels good. But even on medication, I have "flare-up days" when bipolar holds me captive to its whims.
Depression, for me, feels like I'm carrying a ball and chain around with me wherever I go. I can do what needs to be done, but it takes so much effort to complete even the smallest of tasks. Sometimes, on days when I'm depressed, it takes all the self control I can muster, to make myself get out of bed, get going, and be productive. On my worst days, it's all I can do not to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and check out of life for awhile. Depression is tough. I wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was 31 years old, and in someways I am glad for this. I think all the years of going undiagnosed and still dealing with the illness, made me find my own coping methods. For instance, when I was feeling depressed, I learned to push through and get things done anyway. The ball and chain were always with me, mind you, but I learned to carry them along. In that way I became stronger, more prepared, for life after diagnosis. Now that I'm on meds, the ball and chain don't exist most days. Even on the days when they begin to pull me down, my coping methods kick in. I keep pressing on until, lo and behold, I'm feeling just a little bit better, a little bit stronger. I guess my point is this. Although medication is a HUGE key to my staying healthy, it is not the only one. I still have to learn to fight through the depression, or learn to calm my mind when I'm becoming manic. It's not always easy, but with the right medications I find it is much easier than it used to be.
Should I say anything about Charlie Sheen? The reporter who interviewed him made the comment that some thought he could be bipolar. Watching the few clips that I did, he seemed very manic, but I wouldn't even pretend to think I could diagnose him. Of course, when the reporter addressed this (bipolar) issue with him, he poo-pooed it and said something to the effect of "So if I'm bipolar, then what? Medication? Not gonna happen." If he truly is bipolar, I feel sorry for him. Because if he's not willing to get help, he's headed down a path where he's almost certain to self-destruct at some point. Medications are our friends, people, not our enemies.
Another side note. In my hometown, the local news carried a story about a mother who stabbed her daughter, her husband, set fire to her house, and then stabbed herself. The day before this all happened she'd been doing research on the Internet - two different searches; ways to commit suicide and medications for depression. When I read this story, I thought to myself, 'How sad. She was at a crossroads where she could either get the help she needed, or end the life that seemed unbearable to her.' How I wish she would have chosen differently. And I wonder - why didn't she? What kept her from reaching for help? If you're reading this and you think you just can't live another day, if you're at a crossroads of your own, choose the higher path - get help. Don't end it all just because you think you can't take it anymore. Believe me when I tell you, it can get better, life can be better. Hold on, but more importantly, reach for help. You have two choices to make. Which road are you going to take? Don't be a Charlie Sheen. Don't let pride, or fear, or ignorance be your undoing. Life is too precious for that.
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