a little bit of crying

Watching my little boy ride his bike without training wheels took me back today.  There he was riding down the street, his dad right beside him cheering him on.  Seems like just yesterday that child learning to ride without training wheels was me.  I still remember my dad running behind me holding me up until I learned to balance on my own.  In fact, without my knowledge, he let go as soon as he thought I "had" it.  I kept pedaling right along and when I looked back for just a moment he was gone.  I was doing it! 

Family has been a big focus of my heart lately.  As I've shared my mom's kidney is failing and she may decide to forego dialysis.  She's tired she tells us - in every true sense of the word.  She's been so sick for so long - I think she's ready to be done with all of it.  While I hate the fact that we will lose her more quickly, I completely understand her reasoning.  This woman has had quite the life - too much of it spent in hospitals, with doctor's poking and prodding her, taking more medications than your average person.  She's ready to go home - to her real home - the one where she won't hurt, suffer, feel sick again.  And I can't say I blame her. 

But that means losing my other parent - the one who in some way's has become my best friend.  Up until recently, we talked on the phone nearly every day.  Now, she barely has the energy to get out of her pajamas and get herself "ready".  I've been thinking lately about how she'll soon be gone, and what will I do then.  Who will I call to tell about my day?  Who will be there to listen to my joys and struggles as a mom?  There to complain to?  To celebrate with?  To offer words of wisdom and encouragement? 

Having my own family does help ease this burden of sadness.  I have my little ones to think of, to spend time with, to take care of.  They are my family and in so many ways I see the connection to my past in their little faces, mannerisms, looks, ideas.  They are my connection to my mom, my dad, grandparents, uncles, aunts cousins.  What a miracle that they are their own individual beings, and yet, they have little bits of family etched all over them.  They are mirrors into my past  - a glimpse of what was and will always be real to me - my family then, and my family now. 

It's fun to see my son laugh, and in that laugh see my dad's smile.  Or to cuddle with my sick daughter and tell her what my mom used to do to make me feel better.  Fun to tell stories to my little ones about the times I got in trouble, or the vacations we took, or the fun we had together as a family.  My children love to hear these stories, and I love to tell them - in fact  I need to tell them. 

My childhood home is on the market.  This week I go back to my hometown to help clean the house out and move my mom to an elderly living center.  It's hard to say goodbye when I have so many good  memories of that house.  It's even more difficult to watch my mom say goodbye to the only home she felt was truly her home. 

Forgive me for rambling.  Today I just needed to write down my feelings without hesitation or reservation.  Today, I needed to let my soul do a little bit of crying.