Hope

Oh, the joy of spring.  The kids are outside playing, and, from where I am, I can watch their every move.  So much better than putting them in front of the TV while I write!

Today's topic: my struggles with bipolar

I am much more stable than I used to be.  It wasn't until I was 31 that I was diagnosed and my treatment plan began.  Life before my diagnosis was pretty miserable.  I knew there was something wrong with me, but I honestly didn't know what.  Somedays were a complete struggle.  Depression was the worst - still is.  From dragging myself out of bed, to going through the motions of the day, to the time when my head hit the pillow  again, each day was so difficult.  If I were to describe what it's like to be depressed, it's like carrying a ball and chain around with you wherever you go.  Yes, you can still function.  But it takes that much more effort to carry  on.  Somedays it just didn't seem worth the fight.  There were many days when I could easily have pulled the covers over my head and stayed in bed all day long. 

Admitting this is hard, but I think it's important to put it all out there.  I did contemplate suicide many times.  I always say that I'm so glad to have faith.  Because of it, I knew that ending my life would be so very wrong.  God showed me that I would hurt so many people, and that,  if my attempt failed, the road to recovery would be very difficult.  Ultimately, I think what held me together was hope. 

I hoped that someday things would be better.  I hoped that life wouldn't always be so painful.  I hoped that somewhere along the way the struggle to function would come to an end; that I would come out clean on the other side.  And you know what?  I have.  No, life isn't pain-free.  I still have my difficult days, but they're nothing compared to what I used to face.  So, if you feel like the struggle you're burdened with will never come to an end -  hold on to hope.  It will never let you down.  Because, in God's hands, hope never disappoints.

Romans 5: 3-5  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not dissapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.